A Loaded Question

How can so simple a question have so complex an answer?

Someone asked me this morning how I was doing. I still haven’t answered that question.

Outwardly, things are going great. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love. She is amazing. My children are healthy and doing well. My mother’s health, while still under close scrutiny, is doing well. I have a job I (mostly) love and work with amazing people.

But still I hesitate before answering. Most of the time I’ll say I’m fine, but that’s far from the truth. For reasons I cannot identify, a feel like I’m drowning. The slightest bit of stress drives me straight into a bottle. Motivation eludes me. Anxiety drips from me. Things I should care about I do not.

I should care that I’m putting some weight back on. I don’t. I should care that the constant drinking is unhealthy for both my mind and my body. I do not. I should care that my latest labs showed high cholesterol and triglycerides (likely due to excessive alcohol consumption). I do not. I keep telling myself I’ll get back on track tomorrow. When tomorrow comes I tell myself, again, that I’ll start again tomorrow. And the pattern continues.

It’s a fucked up thing to look around your life, not find anything wrong, yet still feel the grips of despair.

I asked my doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist last week. I can see clearly that I’m on a path to destruction, yet can’t muster up a lousy fuck to give that I’m on it. I don’t want to lose what I have, yet can’t seem to find a way off this escalator down.

I love myself and hate myself simultaneously. I love my sense of humor. I love my compassion. I love my intelligence. BUT…I hate how I see myself. I hate how unworthy I feel of even the slightest good fortune. I hate hating anything about myself.

My appointment is the 25th. That was the soonest they could get me in as a new patient. I hope this time I can build a relationship with this doctor. My last attempts at counseling didn’t go well.

How are you guys doing? I hope you’re feeling better than I am. Tell me something good. There’s too much negativity in this world right now.
About Twindaddy (349 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

12 Comments on A Loaded Question

  1. Hi you. Will you please provide an update after your appointment?

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  2. Tired… Always. And always feeling like I’m behind. And stressed that life is just going to get busier as the kiddos get older. How does everyone else keep a sense of self while also making sure their family is thriving?
    I’m sorry you are struggling in your way. I hope the appointment helps. You know how to get ahold of me, too, if you every just want talk.

    Like

  3. Sounds like the ol’ black dog is giving you a chomping. Too crap to care is a sucky place to be and I hope this doc is a good one.

    Good news… I’m up on time to walk my gf to work in spite of the clocks changing, and I’m planning a little nap before I go to work later 😊

    Like

  4. I think you haven’t had an easy life, and you are afraid to trust it when things don’t fit your normal. I hope the doc helps. Cause you are all the good things you mentioned, and more.

    Keep us posted.

    Like

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