A Loaded Question

How can so simple a question have so complex an answer?

Someone asked me this morning how I was doing. I still haven’t answered that question.

Outwardly, things are going great. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love. She is amazing. My children are healthy and doing well. My mother’s health, while still under close scrutiny, is doing well. I have a job I (mostly) love and work with amazing people.

But still I hesitate before answering. Most of the time I’ll say I’m fine, but that’s far from the truth. For reasons I cannot identify, a feel like I’m drowning. The slightest bit of stress drives me straight into a bottle. Motivation eludes me. Anxiety drips from me. Things I should care about I do not.

I should care that I’m putting some weight back on. I don’t. I should care that the constant drinking is unhealthy for both my mind and my body. I do not. I should care that my latest labs showed high cholesterol and triglycerides (likely due to excessive alcohol consumption). I do not. I keep telling myself I’ll get back on track tomorrow. When tomorrow comes I tell myself, again, that I’ll start again tomorrow. And the pattern continues.

It’s a fucked up thing to look around your life, not find anything wrong, yet still feel the grips of despair.

I asked my doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist last week. I can see clearly that I’m on a path to destruction, yet can’t muster up a lousy fuck to give that I’m on it. I don’t want to lose what I have, yet can’t seem to find a way off this escalator down.

I love myself and hate myself simultaneously. I love my sense of humor. I love my compassion. I love my intelligence. BUT…I hate how I see myself. I hate how unworthy I feel of even the slightest good fortune. I hate hating anything about myself.

My appointment is the 25th. That was the soonest they could get me in as a new patient. I hope this time I can build a relationship with this doctor. My last attempts at counseling didn’t go well.

How are you guys doing? I hope you’re feeling better than I am. Tell me something good. There’s too much negativity in this world right now.
About Twindaddy (366 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

12 Comments on A Loaded Question

  1. Hi you. Will you please provide an update after your appointment?


  2. Tired… Always. And always feeling like I’m behind. And stressed that life is just going to get busier as the kiddos get older. How does everyone else keep a sense of self while also making sure their family is thriving?
    I’m sorry you are struggling in your way. I hope the appointment helps. You know how to get ahold of me, too, if you every just want talk.


  3. Sounds like the ol’ black dog is giving you a chomping. Too crap to care is a sucky place to be and I hope this doc is a good one.

    Good news… I’m up on time to walk my gf to work in spite of the clocks changing, and I’m planning a little nap before I go to work later 😊


  4. I think you haven’t had an easy life, and you are afraid to trust it when things don’t fit your normal. I hope the doc helps. Cause you are all the good things you mentioned, and more.

    Keep us posted.


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