One Slipped Through The Cracks

I took a week off of work after mom passed. I took care of everything I could possibly think of that needed to be done. A phone call I received today showed I missed at least one thing.

“May I speak to your mom?” the familiar voice asked in an Indian accent. It was the kidney specialist she’d been seeing for the past year. Not a nurse or secretary, but the doctor himself. From his personal cell phone.

I mentally stumbled a bit before answering. “She passed away in July.”

He was taken offguard a bit as he believed she was generally in good health. He expressed his condolences and said he was calling to check on her since she wasn’t at her appointment today.

I apologized. I thought I had cancelled the appointment. I then hung up and waited for something, anything to happen.

Nothing did.

I spent the month after mom passed in a drunken fog. I didn’t know how else to deal with the intolerable sadness and almost electrical anxiety I was feeling. I finally went to my doctor and asked for help. I told her I needed a different way to deal with the mania from which I was suffering. She adjusted the dosage on one med and traded one for another.

And it worked. I have not had any issues with anxiety since the adjustments. I have not consumed an ounce of alcohol since then, either. I have not felt anything, really, but I was okay with that.

Until today.

I feel like I should have felt something after that phone call. Sadness. Anger. An emotion of some kind.Of any kind. But there was nothing.

I emailed my doctor shortly after. I told her that the medicine is working as intended, which is great, but I don’t know if I can deal with the side affects. Well, side affect. I’m always tired. I’ve spent the last two weekends in the couch sleeping. I didn’t notice until today that I had been mostly devoid of emotion.

It’s been eating at me all evening and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know what to do other than write this all out to get it out of my head.

So here it is. The contents of my head. Maybe this will help me make sense of it all.


About Twindaddy (358 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

9 Comments on One Slipped Through The Cracks

  1. Hugs, my friend.


  2. Grief takes lots of different forms, and sleep is a good one. Wish I could reach out and give you a real hug, because I know how hard it is to lose people you love, who are as much a part of you as your hand.

    Alas, soon I fear I will be joining you in that puddle of sadness. My husband John has pancreatic cancer. He has had surgery and will have chemo starting in two weeks, but …


    • I’m so sorry, Elyse. My aunt was taken by cancer in the 90’s and it was not easy to see. I wish you strength.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, TD. There are no good diseases and few easy deaths. So far we are in the early phases, and I’m still hopeful. Fingers and toes permanently crossed.


        • My girlfriend’s aunt was diagnosed with cancer last year, but after chemo, an operation, and more chemo, she is in remission. There is hope.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I know. Much depends on the type of cancer, too. Pancreatic is a particularly nasty bastard. But I have adopted Scarlet O’Hara’s attitude – I’ll think about it tomorrow!

            But you take care, TD. It sounds like you are reaching out to deal with your grief. I found writing about it really helped me, both when I told stories, and when I wrote about grief itself. Give yourself that outlet, Poetry Man!

            Sending you love, and thanks for your kindness in your own struggles. ❤️😘


          • I return your love. Thank you for your support.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Finding Ninee // December 15, 2019 at 11:02 pm // Reply

    First, grief is dealt with how you deal with it. Sleeping on the couch feels like a completely “normal” way of it. Better than too much wine or whatever, you know? Second, I’m so glad the meds you are taking work for you. I feel like I’ve been asking for meds for years and only now am on a path to get some. It sucks how much we need to self-advocate when we know something’s not right.
    Also, sending you huge love. Losing your mom is HUGE. Hugs and love and DM me if you want to chat. I’m here.


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