Way, way, waaaaaaaaaay back in the day, I had a regular guest host who would take over for a bit and bestow his wisdom upon the inquiring masses. I won’t say that his advice is very sound or even that his “wisdom” is even wise, but he’s at least entertaining. Sometimes.

This guest will typically answer questions from readers, but since I’ve let this place grow stale, there aren’t many of those anymore. So I combed the internet to find some questions for him to answer (and then immediately took a shower because the internet is a foul place).

So, without further (how do you) ado, I present Blunt Life Coach!

Well, that was a lackluster introduction. It’s about time you let me out of your trunk. Also, I’m not a fan of how you put wisdom in quotations. If everyone followed my advice, this world would be a more orderly, and possibly less populated, place. Thanos was on to something.

Enough small talk. Let’s get to the reason I’m here: enlightening the half-wits who stumble upon this unhappy place.

How do you define success?

With words. How else do you define anything? To define a word, you use other words. It’s not a complicated process.

Any tips on moving on after a breakup?

Absolutely. Drink. A lot. Find yourself a one-night stand. Or even two or three. Trash your ex on social media and spread nasty rumors about her. Or him. Or them. I’m woke, after all.

Do looks really matter in life? Do good-looking people have an advantage?

Of course, they do. Don’t be ridiculous. No one likes ugly people. Good-looking people get the best opportunities, the most favor, and the most attention. Everyone wants to be with good-looking people. Only ugly people ask questions like this.

Is it weird to eat cereal for dinner?

Yes. It’s even weirder to eat it in your mom’s basement while you game, which I’m sure you do. Cut it out. And for fuck’s sake, take a shower.

Why should I forgive my abuser if he doesn’t even apologize? If he doesn’t even try to meet me halfway and make effort to help make my life more bearable?

You shouldn’t. Why would you even waste time or even think about someone who has abused you? Of course, he isn’t going to try to meet you halfway. He’s abusive. Forget that guy and focus on yourself and your recovery.

Is it possible for someone to change their personality once they fall in love?

It’s inevitable. It happens to every woman who has ever slid on a wedding ring.

What do you think is the most valuable thing in a relationship?

There is not just one most valuable thing in a relationship. There are several equally valuable things, and what those things are differ from couple to couple based on their own life experiences, which is why relationships inevitably fall apart – our life experiences continue to change us through a relationship.

How do you differentiate love from lust?

Easy. Which part of your body is excited when you see that person?

Carl Jung believed we are part of someone’s dream. Any thoughts about that idea?

A few. 1.) Who the hell is Carl Jung? 2.) If this is someone’s dream, then they’ve been asleep an inordinately long time and did a hell of a lot of drugs before passing out. 3.) Sounds like Carl Jung smoked the good shit.

Well, that was….something that happened. Love him or hate him, you can’t say you don’t know exactly how he feels. Do you have a question for Blunt Life Coach? Beware, he snipes.