America is….a big place. It stretches from about 600 miles north of Antarctica in the Southern Ocean all the way to the top of Canada in the Arctic Ocean, where rumor has it a large jolly man and an army of those small guys who live in trees and make cookies are going to try to go around the world in less than a day. (Take that, Phileas Fogg!) America is North and South America together. There are 35 countries in the combined continents.

See? Es muy grande.

After reading the prior paragraph, you might assume that anyone from any of the 35 countries in America would be referred to as American, but you’d be wrong. Technically right, but ultimately wrong. Thus, I’d have to point at you and laugh.

Despite thirty-four other countries with around 700 million people in America, whenever someone anywhere in the world says “American,” they are referring to someone from the United States. When non-US citizens lament “stupid Americans,” they aren’t referring to everyone on the west side of the globe – they are referring to the folks who inhabit US soil, of whom I am one. (Side note: I’m with all you non-Amercians on the “stupid Americans” thing. Be glad you get to see this shitshow from afar.) Hell, even when I Googled America to ensure I had the correct country count (say that three times fast), the United States Wikipedia page is the very first result.

Excuse me, Google. You’re making assumptions I don’t appreciate.

What did the US do to enslave…I mean, earn the rights to the word “American”? Or was it appropriated like everything else? Is it because “America” is the last word in our country’s official name? Whereas a gentleman from Brazil can simply say he’s Brazilian, telling people I’m United-States-of-American doesn’t exactly roll gracefully off the tongue. Now that I think about it, even our state names don’t slide greasily off the tongue. I live in Indiana. Our choices would be Indian (already spoken for) or Indiana-an. My old state would’ve been Kentuckian. I guess that flows a bit better but still sounds dumb. New Yorkan? En? Michigan-an? Arkansasian? None of these work…

Yikes. I’ve gone off on a tangent now, and this has literally turned into one rangy rambling random thought. What a happy coincidence that this is where my mind already poops. Anyhow, there’s no good way to end this incoherent train wreck gracefully, so…

Audience Participation Time!
What say you, friends?? Have any thoughts or theories on why only US citizens are labeled Americans?