This season’s highest-rated new show, Drive Daddy Daffy, cruises (literally) into its sixth episode. Tune in to WTFH to catch the show critics are calling the best thing to happen to late-night TV since The Apprentice was cancelled.
Previously on Drive Daddy Daffy…
The previous day…
Dad is sitting at his computer finishing up his work day. Baby A comes towards the office with that look on his face he gets when he wants to ask dad for something but doesn’t know how to bring it up. He looks into Baby C’s bedroom, then back at dad. “Is he here this weekend?”
“No,” dad answers.
“I’m going up to look at houses tomorrow. Would you come with me?” A asks.
“NO!” dad almost immediately replied. A five-hour drive followed by house-hunting followed by another five-hour drive? No, thank you. Luckily, dad has learned over his 45 years to keep his mouth shut until he’s considered the consequences of his words. Well, most of the time. Nobody’s perfect.
Dad considered his son and the way he was asked to accompany his spawn on this journey. Baby A was asking because he didn’t want to be alone while house-shopping for the first time. Baby A has never been one to ask dad for help – even when he needs it – so for A to ask meant he was really nervous about this venture and wanted dad to walk it with him. Dad couldn’t let his son down. He wouldn’t.
“Yeah,” dad replied.
“Really?” Baby A said, surprised. “Okay. I’m supposed to meet the realtor at 2.”
Dad did the math in his head and said he’d be ready.
Spoiler alert: since this is a dad in a sitcom, he did not math correctly.
This morning…
“Dad! Are you going?”
Dad shoots out of bed. “What time is it?”
“9.”
Dad thought about it. 5 hours before 2 is 9, not 10. Oops… “Give me a few minutes to get a shower.”
Dad gets up to get his shower, but when he tries to open the bathroom door, it is locked.
“Sorry!” a voice called from inside. It was Baby M’s girlfriend. Dad had absolutely no clue why this girl was in his bathroom.
“Aww, you’re killing me!” dad cries. This is the bathroom in dad’s bedroom – why on earth is this girl in his private bathroom? There is a full bathroom upstairs that the kids and their friends (or significant others) should be using. Dad walks over to the bed and flops onto it face-first to wait out the dastardly deuce.
That’s when the voice in the bathroom calls, “Do you have a plunger?”
Dad wonders what he did to deserve this shitty situation (pun intended) as he tells this stranger shitting in his throne where the plunger is.
Just then, the toilet flushes, and the girl pops the door open and says, “I’m finished.”
I hope you’re finished if you’re out of the bathroom, dad thinks. He then waits about 20 more minutes (despite needing to get ready quickly) before walking into whatever plunger-requiring natural disaster was waiting for him in his bathroom.
ROAD TRIP!
After dad is finally able to use his own bathroom and shower, he and A hop into A’s car and head north. Dad sleeps through most of the morning because he was up late and woken up before he was ready. He fully wakes up after they’re north of Columbus. He and Baby A are cruising along at warp speed when dad spies two state troopers parked on the median.
“Cops,” dad warns.
Baby A slows down and pulls from the speed lane to the middle lane, but it’s too late. A few miles down the road, 5-0 is riding their ass with lights flashing.
Baby A gets a ticket from the most nervous cop dad has ever interacted with. The officer seemed really uncomfortable – like he was guilty about enforcing the law. It would’ve been comical – if only it had happened to someone else.
A couple of hours later, they are finally in Youngstown waiting the first house on their target list. Even though Baby A had set up an appointment with the realtor to meet at 2pm, the realtor was not at the house. Baby A called the realtor, who was at the grocery store with his wife.
Dad walks around the outside of the house while they wait for the realtor to take his wife home and meet them at the house he should already be at. The house is…a catastrophe. The garage door is missing a window and the gutters are falling off of it. The yard is all mud, not a blade of grass in sight. The windows are probably as old as dad is (which is not okay for either of them). There is no AC unit. Paint is flaking off in random places. And, worst of all, there are pink curtains hanging in all of the windows.
Dad has to pee, so he and Baby A decide to drive down to a local gas station while still waiting for the realtor. Dad gets out, aglow with anticipation that he’ll finally be able to empty his bladder. Two steps from the front door he notices a sign on the front door. NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
“Wanna try another gas station?” Baby A inquires.
“Nah, let’s just get back. If we’re not at the house when that guy shows up he may just take off.”
They go back to the house. A minute after pulling into the driveway the realtor finally pulls in behind them.
After fighting the lock box for what seemed like eternity, the realtor finally got the keys to the house. The house is, well, gross. The hardwood floors are solid, but look like shit. The carpeting looks like it was installed in the 70s. The upstairs bathroom only has a vintage tub in it – no shower. There is a full bathroom in the basement, but it is scary. The ceiling looks like it was just covered with whatever leftover pieces of drywall that were laying around. The linoleum floor is disgusting and missing pieces. The shower/tub is moldy.
Luckily, Baby A was not so eager to own a home that he ignored the obvious shortcomings of this dump. He looked at dad as he left the helter-skelter basement bathroom and shook his head in disgust.
The rest of the afternoon went much better for the father/son duo. The other four houses were in good shape and worthy of consideration. On the trip home, Baby A wisely (finally) utilized the cruise control on his vehicle. It was a good thing, because they saw at least 7 vehicles pulled over on their trip home – one of which featured a poor Columbus resident getting handcuffed by an officer. Oops…
The episode closes as dad self-medicates after a long day of sitting in a car and dealing with a realtor who seemed new to the concept of getting house keys out of lockboxes. He hops into the shower to scald the stress away as the credits roll…
Drive Daddy Daffy is the highest-rated new sitcom no one in this house asked for. Tune in next time to see what silly antics C has in store for dad. New episodes air almost every time C says anything at all.
Mental Defecation 