This season’s highest-rated new show, Drive Daddy Daffy, celebrates the birth of Baby C. The child menace turns 12, which coincidentally, is also the amount of hairs on dad’s head that turn gray daily. Tune in to WTFH to catch the show critics are calling the “breath of fresh air needed after a long deuce in a bathroom with no exhaust fan.”
Narrator: Dad works from home 99.999% of the time. Normally, this works out well for him. He’s alone while his spawn are at school or work, it’s nice and quiet, and he can blast his music while he pounds away at his keyboard to bring home the bacon.
When the kids get home, however, there are no boundaries. All three of them will just pop into dad’s office as if his job doesn’t exist and he’s just mindlessly browsing the world-wide-wormhole because he has nothing better to do.
And so it was that dad was actually in a Zoom meeting with his headphones on (which should be a clear indication that he’s busy and not to be disturbed) when Baby A barges in.
Dad is literally sitting at his desk with his headphones on, speaking to the other participants in his Zoom meeting, when Baby A shoves a piece of yellow paper in dad’s face as if dad was simply talking to himself about email delivery problems. Dad looks at the paper, which is from a local dentist’s office, and details plans to extract all four of Baby A’s wisdom teeth.
Dad knew that Baby A was going to see the dentist about this, so he was confused why this paper was being rudely shoved in his face. When he had an opportunity, he muted himself and inquired. Instead of explaining, A simply pointed to the bottom of the sheet where it indicates someone over 18 needs to accompany him to his appointment for transportation.
“I need to know when you can take me,” A says.
Dad’s Inner Monologue: I’m in a frickin’ meeting!!!!!!
“I don’t know, I’ll hafta look at my calendar and get back with you,” Dad explained while also trying to listen to the meeting going on in his ears.
“Okay,” A responds, and then vanishes off to work, leaving dad bewildered and wondering what he has to do to get some privacy while he’s working.
Narrator: Later that afternoon, Baby C barges in after he gets home from school.
C’s birthday presents are waiting on a table in dad’s office so dad could give them to C after school. Dad points out the presents to C, an animatronic Grogu (Baby Yoda, if you prefer) and Mario Kart 8 for his Nintendo Switch.
“Thank you, daddy!” C exclaims. Then, “Is there anything else?”
Dad’s Inner Monologue: Are you fucking serious???
Instead of losing his shit, however, dad simply says, “That’s $160 worth of stuff right there. I think that’s plenty.”
“It is. I was just checking. Thank you, daddy!”
Dad calms down. He’s not trying to raise some ungrateful punk. C, however, wasn’t finished.
“Are we doing anything for my birthday?”
“I figured I’d take you out for dinner…”
“McDonald’s???” C interrupts excitedly.
Dad’s Inner Monologue: Why is it always McDonald’s!!!!! 😭
“I figured that’s what you’d want,” dad says.
“What about cake?” C asks.
“Uhhh…I didn’t get a cake. You’re having a party on Saturday and you’ll have cake then.”
“But my birthday is today,” C says as if dad wasn’t there when C was surgically extracted from his mother’s womb. Dad wasn’t sure how to argue with that, so he tells C that they can stop and get a cake after they eat at McDonald’s.
The father/son duo brave the perils of the local McDonald’s for their nightly sustenance, a term used very loosely. Dad only orders a McFlurry because he despises nearly everything on McDonald’s menu. Meanwhile, C asks for and devours a 20-piece chicken nugget and large fry. Dad has no clue how that little belly can hold all that food. They then head to Walmart for a cake and a few other grocery items dad needs to pick up.
As soon as they walk in to Walmart, C physically points out the location of the bakery like dad has never been in that building before. “I’ve been here before, son,” dad explains to his “helpful” child.
C is immediately into all of the cakes, trying to figure out which one would be the perfect cake for his birthday. He even begins looking through the catalog for special order cakes, and dad has to stop him.
“Son, look behind the counter,” dad pleads. “The lights are off. There’s no one here to make those.”
“Oh,” he said, dejected.
After a few more minutes of “careful consideration”, C finally decides on a Hershey’s cake topped with Hershey’s Kisses and real Hershey’s chocolate syrup. Dad grabs the cake and places it in their cart.
They then head over to the freezer section so dad can replenish a few items for his brood of heathens to consume. Unfortunately, the aisle he had to traverse had ice cream on the other side of it.
“Hey!” C calls. “Can I get some ice cream, too?”
“Geez,” dad jokes, “you want cake and ice cream? What do you think this is, your birthday?”
Dad is rewarded with a look. The look, actually. The look made famous by C’s grandma. The look dad use to purposely harrass his mother to receive. The look which conveyed, “you think you’re funny, don’t you, fucker?” Dad couldn’t help but smile as he had no doubt his mother was up in heaven laughing at her grandson, content that “the look” was successfully passed down through her genes. He could almost hear her distinctive laugh.
After C picked out some Cosmic Brownie ice cream, dad tells C they can go look at the Nintendo games. He knows C is going to nag him about DLC for the Mario Kart game he just received and figured he may as well go ahead and get it over with since they were there.
On their way to the electronics department, something some random kid was wearing catches C’s attention and makes him laugh. “Dad! I just saw the funniest thing.”
“A mirror?” dad deadpans.
As if impervious to sarcasm (and humor), C goes on to explain this random kid’s hilarious (to C) outfit as if dad hadn’t just made one of the best jokes of the season. Dad shakes his head. His wit is wasted on this youth.
They finish up their shopping and eventually end up back at the house. Dad redeems the codes for Mario Kart 8 and its DLC. C spends the rest of his night playing his new game, enthralled by all of the new things in the game that he’s never seen before. When 10 o’clock rolls around, dad tells C it’s time for bed and gives his little man extra birthday love before his nightly visit from the sandman.
As dad then goes on with his own nightly bedtime routine, he notices that the cake C just had to have was untouched on the stove. Dad then checks the freezer and finds the ice cream similarly undisturbed.
Dad shakes his daffy head. It’s a good thing he loves that kid…
Drive Daddy Daffy is the highest-rated new sitcom no one in this house asked for. Tune in next time to see what silly antics C has in store for dad. New episodes air almost every time C says anything at all.