Searching For The Silence

The voices from the masses are driving me insane
Makes my head spin all around like a deadly hurricane
Vitriolic decibels assault my tender ears
The torrent of emotions nearly bringing me to tears
It’s gettin’ to the point where it’s hard to even care
No matter where I go the nightmare’s always there

From the left and the right, there’s all this foolish noise
Oblivious to the decent people it destroys
Everyone is angry, and no one really dares
To think about another, ‘cuz no one really cares
We shout over each other like we’re engaged in a war
But everyone forgets that no one’s keeping score

Anxiety compounds, got me feeling paralyzed
The anger and the hate leave me somewhat traumatized
All I want right now is for all of this to change
But a lack of sound might leave me feeling kinda strange
Longing for some quiet with which to fill my days
Searching for the silence like I’m lost inside a maze

No Prophecy

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

There is no prophecy
No meant-to-be
There is only
Empty destiny

You’ll find on your own
Fate is unshown
Do not bemoan
Your path is unknown

The future is pliable
A fact undeniable
Only you are liable
For moments transpirable

The power you possess
Can author success
Let no one suppress
Or curb your greatness

6 Feet

Six feet from the bottle
Can’t take it any longer
Caught in a riptide
Thirst growing stronger
Take another shot
Drinking full throttle
Now I’m as empty
As this bottle

Six feet from the edge
Perched atop this bridge
I take one last glimpse
At a world so savage
I flounder to my feet
Earth spinning in my eyes
I count to three
And plunge to my demise

Six feet from the bottom
Sinking like an anchor
Darkness settles in
Succumbed to rancor
With the end in mind
I take a huge breath
Water floods my lungs
I have nothing left

Six feet ‘neath the surface
I’m laying in a casket
Tears rain down ‘pon me
Flowers fill baskets
My pain is a memory
My demons banished
This world’s better off
Now that I’ve vanished

Note: This is in no way a reflection of my current mental state. That being said, however, I have been in a place where I understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed and feel trapped by life.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-273-8255. Or if you don’t feel like talking, the suicide prevention hotline has a chat here. Additionally, more resources can be found on AFSP’s website. It may seem unbelievable, but there are people who care and want to help.

Slipping

Don’t tell me I can love myself, I can’t love myself
Man you’ll never know
Can’t tell you why I always cry, eyes are never dry
Tears they always flow
I can’t do anything
Hanging on by a string

Don’t tell me I can trust myself, I can’t trust myself
I get nothing right
Can’t tell you why it’s dark inside, blackness on my mind
Like eternal night
I’ve reached the end of my rope
Can’t grasp a bit of hope

Maybe I’m slipping, maybe I’ll fall
Maybe I’ve already lost it all
Maybe I’m blind, goodness unseen
You don’t know what I mean
Baby I’m slipping, baby I’m lost
Baby I rue every line I’ve crossed
Somewhere ‘tween self pity and my grief
I’m slipping underneath

Withdrawal

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That feeling when you’re starving
But eating makes you nauseous
The only things you can stomach
Leave you feeling unconscious
Coffee and liquor numb the feels
Fill the void gaping inside
Stifle the tears that always flow
Outside you live, but inside you’ve died

That feeling when you’re ready for sleep
But your demons have conquered the sandman
Your mind wanders while you stare at ceiling
Every thought lasts a lifespan
Despite the tears your eyes are dry
You revisit mistakes, lament every sin
Embrace eternal damnation
Welcome the devil within

That feeling when nothing matters
You know in your heart you should care
But can’t manage a single fuck to give
You wonder just why you’re here
You wonder how to go on
What purpose is there?
If you leaped from the ledge
Would anyone care?

Fatigue sets in, focus is narrow
The only thing on which you can dwell
Is that which is missing
That which plunged you into this hell
You medicate the demons
Placate their desire
The peace will be temporary
But will last ’til you expire

You Couldn’t Let Me Be

Familiar urge rises again
Call of nature strikes and then
Make a run for the commode
For relief I must unload

Like an orca hunting seals
There you are nipping at my heels
Push you back just to shut the door
As I have done many times before

You couldn’t let me be
You couldn’t let me pee
Instead you make a scene
You’re driving me out of my mind
You stomp and wail and squeal
Don’t like the way it feels
Why’s this such an ordeal?
My sanity has been left behind

Now you’re pounding on the door
You throw yourself upon the floor
Ask me if I have to poop or pee
Knob starts shaking, Oh Em Gee!

‘Neath the door your hand appears
Need about a dozen beers
If I liquor up my inner beast
Maybe at last I’ll know peace

You couldn’t let me be
You couldn’t let me pee
Instead you make a scene
I’m ’bout to just run away
You stomp and wail and squeal
Don’t like the way it feels
Why’s this such an ordeal?
You ruined my fucking day

A Moment I’ll Forever Relive

Out on the corner, caught in the rain
Trapped in my head is the same ol’ refrain
Walking on sponges, chilled to the bone
Coming to grips with being newly alone
Headlights illuminate, she pulls alongside
A voice sweet as sugar offered me a ride
I smiled and accepted, relished the reprieve
Unaware of how heinously I’d be deceived

A spark of passion, bodies heat
We spent the night between the sheets
Primal lust, animalistic intent
We explored each other ’til we were spent
I awoke alone, on her pillow a note
My heart deflated as I read what she wrote
“I am the flower, you are the seed
We walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there”

A chance encounter, a shocking surprise
Many years later would cause my demise
Passed her by, could not believe
She had a child who looked just like me
Tears flowed freely, I fell to my knees
As she made to me this stunning decree
“Please, please understand,
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me
Was the one little thing that you can”

Like breath in winter, my vision obscured
She vanished before I could utter a word
Heart hallowed out, shadow-stained soul
How can my heart ever be whole?
Don’t know her name, nor where she lives
Cursed by a moment I’ll forever relive
Nowhere to turn, nowhere to go
I have a child who I’ll never know

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Last night the classic Heart song “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You” came on my playlist and as I listened to it for the 456,632,114,621th time I wondered…what would this story look like from the guy’s point of view? So, this is what I imagined would happen.

Where Nightmares Await

Curled up in bed

Under the covers

Sleep out of reach

Consciousness hovers

Copious thoughts

Linger inside

Bewildering, confusing

Attempt to misguide

Cannot relax

Unable to drain

The numerous thoughts

Inside my brain

Voices becry

Unfounded worries

Doubts swirl

Like snow flurries

Tired and torn

Focus illusive

Troubles become

Extremely abusive

Sweat secretes

Heartbeat chaotic

Inhale, exhale

Numbing narcotic

Calm the storm

Clean the slate

Off to sleep

Where nightmares await

The Unwitting Villain

Originally posted on my old blog, 8/14/14. I used to write poetic duets with Hasty Words. Like, all the time. I miss those days…

Anyhow, this, I believe, is the last duet we co-wrote. I wanted to repost it here so it can be seen again because I really like this one.

Written by HastyWords and Twindaddy

Not enough air here
In this place without control
Suffocating in darkness
As words crash around me
In a long thunderous roll

Like a raging typhoon
Rumors haphazardly swirl
Killing my character
They tear me apart
Into the fetal position I curl

People think what they want
Without rhyme or thought
Thick slicing tongues
Spin devilishly sordid tales
Using me as their main plot

I’ve been cast in a role
For which I didn’t audition
I am the antagonist
I am the catalyst of all evil
I am traitorous and have no inhibition

So without further ado
I deliver to you this final execution
A twist in the plot, a final farewell
And I do this now on my own accord
Without any whispers of permission

A bitter smile adorns my face
While I bid the ultimate adieu
With middle fingers high
My voice laced with stress
I deliver to my haters a giant “fuck you”

I Didn’t Write This Poem

I didn’t type this sentence
I didn’t write a word
I decided to try something
Utterly absurd

My fingers aren’t moving
My keyboard sits alone
For all you know I could be
Perched upon the throne

I’m nowhere near a computer
Just chilling on my couch
These words just keep appearing
How’s that for a slouch?

How can this be happening?
How did this come to be?
These words are just appearing
Every time I speak

Technology is amazing
With smartphone in hand
I can turn voice to words
And spread them ‘cross the land

This poem was “written” completely using google voice recognition. I got the idea to try this the other day and it is much more difficult to write this way than to actually type it out using a keyboard. Quite frankly writing this way is a real pain in the ass; I don’t recommend it at all. Still, it was a neat thing to try.

Do you use voice recognition on your phone? Do you love it? Do you hate it? Or do you think people who use it are just lazy bums?