Wise Words From an Old Friend

Way, way, waaaaaaaaaay back in the day I had a regular guest host who would take over for a bit and bestow his wisdom upon the inquiring masses. I won’t say that his advice is very sound or even that his “wisdom” is even wise, but he’s at least entertaining. Sometimes.

This guest will typically answer questions from readers, but since I’ve let this place grow stale there aren’t many of those any more. So I combed the internet to find some questions for him to answer (and then immediately took a shower because the internet is a foul place).

So, without further (how do you) adeu, I present Blunt Life Coach!

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Well, that was a lackluster introduction. It’s about time you let me out of your trunk. Also, I’m not a fan of how you put wisdom in quotations. If everyone followed my advice this world would be a more orderly, and possibly less populated, place. Thanos was on to something.

Enough small talk. Let’s get to the reason I’m here: enlightening the half-wits who stumble upon this unhappy place.

How do you define success?

With words. How else do you define anything? To define a word you use other words. It’s not a complicated process.

Any tips on moving on after a break-up?

Absolutely. Drink. A lot. Find yourself a one-night stand. Or even two or three. Trash your ex on social media and spread nasty rumors about her. Or him. Or them. I’m woke, afterall.

Do looks really matter in life? Do good-looking people have an advantage?

Of course they do. Don’t be ridiculous. No one likes ugly people. Good-looking people get the best opportunities, the most favor, and the most attention. Everyone wants to be with good-looking people. Only ugly people ask questions like this.

Is it weird to eat cereal for dinner?

Yes. It’s even weirder to eat it in your mom’s basement while you game, which I’m sure you do. Cut it out. And for fuck’s sake, take a shower.

Why should I forgive my abuser if he doesn’t even apologize? If he doesn’t even try to meet me halfway and make effort to help make my life more bearable?

You shouldn’t. Why would you even waste time or even think about someone who has abused you? Of course he isn’t going to try to meet you halfway. He’s abusive. Forget that guy and focus on yourself and your recovery.

Is it possible for someone to change their personality once they fall in love?

It’s inevitable. It happens to every woman who has ever slid on a wedding ring.

What do you think is the most valuable thing in a relationship?

There is not just one most valuable thing in a relationship. There are several equally valuable things and what those things are differ from couple to couple based on their own life experiences, which is why relationships inevitably fall apart – our life experiences continue to change us through a relationship.

How do you differentiate love from lust?

Easy. Which part of your body is excited when you see that person?

Carl Jung believed we are part of someone’s dream. Any thoughts about that idea?

A few. 1.) Who the hell is Carl Jung? 2.) If this is someone’s dream then they’ve been asleep an inordinately long time and did a hell of a lot of drugs before passing out. 3.) Sounds like Carl Jung smoked the good shit.

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Well, that was….something that happened. Love him or hate him, you can’t say you don’t know exactly how he feels. Do you have a question for Blunt Life Coach? Beware, he snipes.

What is normal?

Normality is subjective. Almost everybody considers the things they like and do to be normal. And anyone who likes or does something else is different. It’s a rare human who acknowledges they just don’t fit in with the rest of society and that the things they’re into are just, ya know, weird.

Most of us tolerate these differences with grace and understanding. Others of us, not so much. I know that not every person is the same, so the term normal really shouldn’t apply to anyone. After all, you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Normal, to me, means routine. When I wake up in the morning I take my Synthroid because some crazed doctor with a modified scalpel stole my thyroid a few years ago. Then I take a walk along the Ohio River to get my exercise in for the day since I spend my work day with my ass parked in a chair. It’s a comfortable chair, for sure, but it’s not helping me burn any calories.

The view from the River Walk.

Once I’m back at the house I grab a steaming hot cup of Columbian elixir and sip contently while I peruse the interwebs to catch up on my daily dose of negative news, attention whores on social media, and memes.

Normal, to me, also means blaring my music and singing along while driving – or wherever it is that I’m blasting out my tunes. It means an occasional blog post. It means putting my children before all else. It means gulping pharmaceutical cocktails before bed every night. It means having difficulty deciding whether I want to play a video game or read a book in my limited free time. It means making extremely inappropriate jokes in the group chat with my coworkers. It means looking in the mirror every morning, realizing that I need to shave, and then deciding I’m too tired to do so. That’s why I have a beard now. Well, kinda…

These things that are part of my normal everyday existence are probably not normal to anyone else, but I couldn’t imagine things any other way The normalcy. That sense of familiarity. It’s good to know that while some things change, some things stay the same. Normal, if you will.

What does normal mean to you, friends?  Is normal a good or bad thing?

Interview With a Trooper – Episode IX

Well hello there! It’s time again for me to answer questions from some strange person on the internet because evidently I have nothing better to do. Okay, nothing better I want to do. Do you feel better now that you’ve forced that confession out of me. DAMN YOU!!!

Ahem. Anyhow….so I answered stuff….

1. What is the first movie you remember seeing? Probably one of the Star Wars movies. Dad used the VCR to tape them from TV somehow and I would watch them on repeat. Except for the last few minutes of Return of the Jedi, because he ran out of tape.
2. What is the first thing you do when you get home? Shut the front door.
   
3. What is the first thing you do when you open your eyes in the morning?  Close them again and try to go back to sleep.
4. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Why the hell am I up??
5. What is the first time you were allowed to put on make-up? Idk, I still haven’t asked yet.
6. What is the furthest you’ve ever been from home? Lost somewhere in my own head.
7. What is the hardest part of your job? Walking out at the end of the day knowing I didn’t get everything done I wanted to.
8. What is the last book you read? Exile by RA Salvatore
9. What is the last compliment you got? Um…not sure. I don’t keep a log I can consult.
10. What is the last film you saw? Spiderman Homecoming
11. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? The Rise of Skywalker.
12. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Handbrake so I could convert a video for someone at work.
13. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Um, Spiderman Homecoming. You already asked me that.
14. What is the longest period you’ve spent in a hospital? A day and a half…which was only two weeks ago.
15. What is the most boring movie you’ve watched? Jesus of Nazareth. Every. Freakin’. Easter.
16. What is the most difficult thing you’ve done for love? Not leave.
17. What is the most important thing in your life? My children.
18. What is the name of your favorite restaurant? I don’t have favorites. Of anything.
19. What is the name of your first pet? Bunky. I’m not quite sure how mom came up with that name, but when she was naming our dog that was the name she answered to, so it stuck.
20. What is the one item you can’t leave home without? My body.
21. What is the pettiest thing you’ve done to prove a point? I’m sure I’ve done plenty of petty things in my life, but I’m not able to think of anything right now.
22. What is the scariest movie you’ve watched? In 7th grade I was shown a video of a live birth in sex ed. That was pretty brutal.
23. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child? My uncle had an Atlanta Falcons helmet on his mantle at home. He had me convinced for years that he had been a kicker for the Falcons back in the 70’s.
24. What is the thing you change the TV channel with? It’s called a remote control, you tool.
25. What is the weirdest thing you’ve seen in your life? Trump supporters.
26. What is the worst grade you got on a test? An F, obviously. You can’t get any lower than that.
27. What is under your bed? The floor. Duh.
28. What is your all-time favorite town or city? I don’t have favorites!!! Why? Because I just don’t!!
29. What is your best childhood memory? Not a specific memory, but just having the freedom to go outside and play with friends or to play with my brothers in our basement full of toys without a worry in the world.
30. What is your best physical feature? Idk. My smile?

Interview With a Trooper – Episode VIII

It’s been a bit since I’ve posted an interview segment (because reasons), so I figured I’d get another post on the wall. How’s everyone doing??

1. What did you do for your last birthday? Idk, that was 7 months ago. I think the twins came over, we cooked out, and I had some celebratory drinks.
2. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? Probably Luke Skywalker or Han Solo. Either way, I was winning.
   
3. What did you want to be when you grew up? When I was very young, a baseball player. In high school, a teacher. In my 20’s, the best dad possible. In the 30’s…same. Now, in my 40’s, I want to go back to my childhood.
4. What do you call carbonated drink called? Call 911! I think the interviewer just had a stroke!
5. What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?  Weird.
6. What do you call your grandparents? I never met either of my grandfathers. Well, technically, that’s not true. One died before I was born, the other when I was two months old. So I did meet one of them, but I don’t remember it. Both of my grandmother’s I called grandma. Unoriginal, yes, but still loving.
7. What do you consider unforgivable? Cheating, or any other form of betrayal from someone in whom you’ve placed trust.
8. What do you dislike about living in your neighborhood? Nothing, so far. I mean, being this close to train tracks is somewhat annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.
9. What do you do for a living? I do IT support in a K-12 school corporation.
10. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive? I’ll normally either read or put on a movie I’ve seen a million times (like Star Wars) and eventually I’ll pass out.
11. What do you do most when you are bored? Um, find something to do that isn’t boring. Duh.
12. What do you find yourself always procrastinating? Procrastination.
13. What do you like about your home? The roof is nice. It keeps out the rain.
14. What do you love about living in your neighborhood? Um…IDK. It’s a neighborhood. I just live here.
15. What do you love about your favorite TV Show? I don’t really have a favorite TV show. I don’t really have favorites of anything.
16. What do you think about more than anything else? I’m trying not to think about anything these days. It keeps me from despair.
17. What do you think about the most? Well, right now I’m thinking…how is this question any different than the one before it, and how it’s not, and that this is a stupid question.
18. What does your name mean? It means I answer when someone says it.
19. What drains your energy? What doesn’t? I haven’t had much energy at all these past few months. Hopefully, that will change as I recover from surgery.
20. What dreams have you given up on as unrealistic? Having a child who doesn’t talk back.
21. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? Uh….I don’t know. I’ve never wished for another sibling. My family is already big as it is.
22. What flavor of tea do you enjoy? I don’t really like tea. I pity the fool.
23. What has been the hardest thing for you to face or learn? Hell, I don’t know. Even if you narrowed that question down to the last six months I couldn’t pick just one thing so much shit has been happening.
24. What has required the most courage of you in your life so far? Walking away from my first marriage, methinks.
25. What inspires you? I don’t know if inspired is the right term, but my children keep me motivated. Without them I don’t know what would keep me going.
26. What is a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? That my first wife used suicide as a tool to keep me from leaving her. I’ve written about it at length here, but it’s not something I shared with many people in real life. For some reason, I still feel a bit of shame about the whole ordeal.
27. What is an ideal first date for you? Not having one.
28. What is at the top of your bucket list? Creating a bucket list.
29. What is good about how you are living your life right now? So far I have not given into despair.
30. What is hard about being a parent? EVERYTHING.
31. What is hard about not being a parent? NOTHING. I mean, that’s probably not true, but I’ve been a parent so long I can’t remember what it was like to NOT be a parent.
32. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Pictures. I am surrounded by family pictures. I love it.
33. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up? Coffee?
34. What is one of the worse things that could happen to you? It already happened, I think.
35. What is one thing that you’ve never revealed to your parents? See question 26…
36. What is one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why? Move. I hate moving and have moved way too many times in my life.
37. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? How easily irritated I sometimes can be.
38. What is something most people don’t know about you? Me and Vader hang out and play Texas Hold ‘Em every Saturday night.
    
39. What is something that amazes you? How people keep defending Trump and the actions of the GOP somehow blocking witnesses to his impeachment trial.
40. What is something that scares you that you would never ever try? Jumping out of a plane. Or even flying in one.
41. What is something you are gifted at? Sarcasm.
42. What is something you look for in a partner? A sense of humor.
43. What is something you wish you were gifted at doing? Writing.
44. What is something you’ve never done that you’d like to try? Winning the lottery.
45. What is the best compliment you have ever received? You’re a good father.
46. What is the best part of your job? There’s a lot of things I like about it. The camaraderie with those I work with. Interacting with the students (most of the time). The freedom I have to run the network as I deem best and the trust that’s been given to me to do so. The list goes on.
47. What is the farthest-away place you’ve been? Bentonville, Arkansas. That was an interesting trip…
48. What is the first amusement park you’ve been to? Six Flags over Georgia, I think.
49. What is the first app you check when you wake up in the morning? Depends on which notification is at the top of the list.
50. What is the first book you remember reading? One of the Hardy Boys novels. When I was in middle school I read a bunch of those books.

Interview With a Trooper – Episode VII – The Sarcasm Awakens

It’s been…a weekend. As I was getting dressed yesterday morning, Baby B called me and said a pallet fell on his foot at work and that he was in an ambulance on his way to the ER. Logically, I knew he was okay. He was calm and speaking casually. The voices in my head, however, started conjuring the worst. I rushed to the hospital and stayed with him while they reattached his toenail, stitched him up, and told him how to care for his broken toe.

While I was with B, the foster daughter we’ve had for two and a half years was moving out. Luckily she isn’t going far because she’s being adopted by my brother, but she’s still gone.

Twas a shitty day.

This morning I awoke to Baby C puking his guts out.

So much for a relaxing weekend. Namaste…or something…

1. Pick one, monopoly or chess? Chess. Monopoly sucks and never ends.
2. Pick one, Nike or Adidas? Nike, FTW!
3. Pick one, Pepsi or Coca-Cola? Didn’t I answer this before? Pepsi tastes like Coke’s feces.
4. Pick one, stripes or Polka dot? No, you can’t make me.
5. Pick one, summer or winter? Winter! Let it snow!
6. Pick one, texting or phone calls? Texting. Talking to humans sucks.
7. Pick one, vanilla or chocolate? Chocolate. Tis the yummy. Then for something almost orgasmic, add peanut butter. You’ll thank me later.
8. To what extent do you trust people? I don’t trust anyone, really. Not even myself.
9. What about religion has changed for you as you’ve aged? That depends. I haven’t really believed since I was in 7th grade, and that hasn’t changed. However, I’ve become more and more jaded by religion as I’ve gotten older simply because of how judgmental and hypocritical people of religion are. People of any religion.
10. What app do you use most? Email, probably.
11. What are books on your shelf that are begging to be read? I got rid of my physical books years ago. I read ebooks now.
12. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? Retail, security guard, fast food, customer service rep, manager, warehouse worker, and IT dude.
13. What are some of your bad habits? Drinking, eating too much, cursing, staying up too late, procrastinating…I think that’s enough for now.
14. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new? Humor, sarcasm, and intelligence.
15. What are you reading now? This question….
16. What are your best characteristics? I have no clue. It’s not for me to judge.
17. What are your best physical features? Idk, I’m fairly strong, I guess.
18. What are your favorite things about yourself? I think I’m funny.
19. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called? Um, I don’t know.
20. What artistic endeavors have you tried & decided you were bad at? All of them.
21. What aspect of your life needs tremendous improvement? Um, all of them.
22. What book are you reading at the moment? The Stolen Throne.
23. What book do you remember as being important to you? I don’t know that any book is important to me, but there are a few that I quite enjoyed. Timeline is my favorite.
24. What color is your bedroom carpet? Tan
25. What current world events are really troubling to you? All of them…

That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Tell me how you’re doing. Tell me something good. Tell me it’s all going to be okay…

Interview With a Trooper – Episode VI – Return of the Sarcasm

It’s that time again!

No, no. Not time for the Wheel of Morality.

It’s time for another interview with me, your favorite trooper!

Oh, shut up…

1. In what area of your life are you immature? I think the more appropriate question is, “In what part of my life am I NOT immature?”
2. Is anyone in your family in the army? My step-sister’s husband. So, I guess that makes him my step-brother-in-law? Is that a thing? Anyhow, he does that army thing.
3. Is the glass half empty or half full? Depends on what was in it. If it was coffee then it’s completely empty and I need a refill. If it was chocolate milk then the same. If it was….eh, who’m I kidding? I drank it all no matter what it is. Get me a refill.
4. Is there any item you collect? I used to collect Star Wars stuff, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten less passionate about it. I still have the collection, but I’ve not added to it in quite some time. I also collect gray hairs, but that’s quite a reluctant collection…
5. Is your father bald? He has a small spot on the back of his head where hair has vacated the premises.
6. Last time you swam in a pool? Labor Day at my dad’s house. Good times.
7. Most ridiculous thing you’ve had to visit the hospital for? I can’t think of any visits that were ridiculous. Any time I’ve been to a hospital it’s been for a serious injury, illness, or the birth of a child. You know, the good stuff.
8. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your fashion sense? Uh, 5?
9. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your driving skills? Uh, 9?
10. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your cooking skills? Look, the last time I stepped on a scale the number was a bit higher than 10…
11. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, how good a kisser are you? You know, I’ve never kissed myself. I have no clue.
12. One thing you know now that you wish you had known as a kid? Adulthood is a trap.
    
13. Pick one, a comedy movie or a horror movie? Comedy. I’d rather laugh than piss my pants. Or, if I piss my pants, I want it to be because I’m laughing and not screaming.
14. Pick one, cats or dogs? Dogs. Cats are no fun. And they normally have shitty attitudes.
15. Pick one, chatting or phone call? Doesn’t one of these entail the other?
16. Pick one, cheat or be cheated on? How about neither?
17. Pick one, chicken or beef?  How about both?
18. Pick one, Coke or Pepsi? Coke. Pepsi tastes like Coke that someone spilled sewage in…
19. Pick one, exceptional strength or intelligence Intelligence, for sure.
20. Pick one, forgiveness or vengeance? Ugh. Neither, really. But if I must choose, forgiveness.
21. Pick one, free health care or free education? Ideally, both. But in this insipid scenario I’d pick free education to become a doctor and give myself free health care.
22. Pick one, Halloween or Valentine’s Day I’m not a fan of either, but Valentine’s Day is the most ludicrous holiday there is. Well, except for President’s Day. I used to think President’s Day was cool until some dick with a dead animal on his head and orange skin ruined it.
23. Pick one, IOS or Android? Android, FTW!
24. Pick one, kill or be killed? No! You can’t make me!
25. Pick one, meat or fish? I mean, fish are living creatures, so shouldn’t their flesh be considered meat?

News: I have completed a rough draft of my novel! I’m going through my first edit currently. Yay!

Query: What news do you have, meatbag?

Interview With a Trooper – Episode V

It’s the weekend! It’s time for another 25 questions with me! Lucky you! Or something…

1. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? 9 or 10, I think.
2. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? 7ish? All I know is my first attempt did NOT go well. I ended up hitting a fire hydrant and flying across someone’s front yard.
3. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? A house. And a truckload of peanut butter.
   

   

   The only REAL peanut butter.

4. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I’d eliminate hatred.
5. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? I’d make it clean itself…
6. If you could choose only one, would you rather go to Paris or London? London. At least I’d be able to communicate with people there. Plus I’d get to visit a certain Brit I know and possibly throw some decomposed fruit at Boris Johnson.
7. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? I don’t know. I don’t really care about famous people. Nor do I care what they have to say.
8. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be? My lack of willpower. As yummy as they are I need to be able to walk by on unopened Reese’s without tearing off the wrapper and shoving it down my throat.
9. If you could give your younger self any advice what would it be? I wouldn’t. If one tiny thing changed it could affect my entire future. I’d never do anything to jeopardize the chance at having my children.
10. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Either Canada or Alaska.
11. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? Powerball winner.
12. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Canada. I’ve always said Alaska, but the US political climate is getting a bit too stupid and intense for my liking.
13. If you could live forever, would you rather stay one age forever or get older? Why would anyone choose “get older”?
14. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? My mommy.
15. If you could pick one, would you rather have infinite money or unending love? Infinite money. Love hurts and I’m tired of it assaulting me.
16. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? One I’ll keep to myself.
17. If you could save just one, would you rather save Humanity or the Earth? The Earth. I have no particular affection for humanity. Humans are stupid.
    

    

    See? Case in point.

18. If you don’t have any, have you ever thought of getting one Uh….any what? I’m mean, I’ve probably thought about getting one, but then I realized I didn’t know which one to get so I stopped thinking altogether.
19. If you had 1 year left to live, what would you do for you? No clue. I’d probably cry a lot at first, then wing it from there.
20. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people? .00000000000001 seconds.
21. If you had a day left to live and you could spend it with anyone you choose, who would it be? I wouldn’t and couldn’t choose just one person. I’d spend it with everyone I love.
22. If you had more courage what would you do differently in your life now? Idk, exercise more? I can’t think of anything radical I’d change.
23. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? I’ve never been a fan of my name, but I’ve also never taken the time to contemplate choosing a new one. I have the name I have and that’s that.
24. If you have a nickname, what is it? Daddy (and I love it)
25. If you inherited $100,000 right now, how would you spend it? I’d pay off my bills and buy a house. I’m sure this is the wild answer you were looking for.

21 Years

I didn’t know what I wanted to do after I graduated high school. I knew what I was supposed to do, though. I was to pick a college, bury myself in student loans, and get a degree. But I didn’t know what for. Furthermore, my self-confidence was shaken. I almost flunked a couple of classes my senior year while trying to do school and a full-time job. How was I going to successfully juggle college and a job if I couldn’t manage that?

As I struggled with the decision of what to do with the rest of my life time kept ticking on. I got a job at Walmart to help pay the bills and distractions ensued.

I was initially hired on as an unloader. I spent my nights tossing boxes onto a freight line, sorting them by department, and then taking pallets full of merchandise out to the sales floor where my cheerful coworkers eagerly waited like kids parked around the fireplace waiting for Santa to appear. (Editor’s note: That was sarcasm. No one who works for Walmart is cheerful. Suffer no delusions in that regard.)

One night I was in the truck heaving boxes of all shapes, sizes, and mass onto the line. I was lost in the groove of the music pumping from the radio. I was in a zone and not paying careful attention to what I was doing. You know how it is when you’re droning through some mindless task. Your body just goes on autopilot while your mind goes to another place. Or perhaps another dimension. Or maybe just to sleep.

In my zombie-like state of mindlessness I tossed an extremely thin, but almost 6-foot tall box, onto the line with a little less force than was needed. Thus, only the front half of the box made it on to the line. The back half of the box folded downward and the end result was a box pointing, with 3-feet of its girth, one direction, and the other 3-feet of it at a 45 degree angle.

As the box folded neatly along its mid-section the unmistakable sound of glass breaking escaped from within.

Oops.

I walked over to the deformed box to see what damage I had wrought only to find that I had inadvertently turned three 6-foot long door mirrors into six 3-foot miniature door mirrors.

“Well, shit. 21 years bad luck,” I deadpanned. Little did I know just how scarily accurate my one-liner would turn out to be.

Now I’m not really a superstitious person. I’ve stepped on plenty of cracks and never once broken my momma’s back (I’m pretty sure I did break her sanity, though. Sorry, Mom.). I’ve spilled salt and never once tossed any over my shoulder (I just wiped it off the table and onto the floor to be swept up later). I’ve never once hesitated to walk under a ladder (unless I needed to duck to save my head (and sometimes not even then – ow!)). I’ve picked up many a penny who was face down, ass up. I sometimes think the only color cats come in is black. On more than one occasion I ordered lunch and it totaled up to a devilish $6.66.

I didn’t truly believe that one small act of negligence would actually curse the next 21 years of my life, but now I’m not so sure. Since that one careless act I’ve had a lot of bad luck. I’ve been married, and divorced, twice. I’ve had to declare bankruptcy. Twice. I was held hostage in a relationship I wanted no part of with threats, and at least one attempt, of suicide. That “relationship,” and the children I inherited with it, prevented me from going to college. I’ve been subjected to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. I suffered through a 5-year-long cycle of depression catalyzed by losing half of my life with the twins only to begin a new one catalyzed by my second divorce. My then-stepson violated my then-stepdaughter under my roof and I had no clue. I’ve been accused of things so despicable I can’t even bring myself to articulate the words. I took part in a two-year-long battle with infertility, in which we prevailed, but at great emotional cost.  I spent most of the last three years adrift in a sea of isolation and empty bottles.

It hasn’t all been doom and gloom, though. Some great things have happened to me, as well. For instance, I have three wonderful, beautiful children whom I love with every fiber of my existence. There have been a handful of happy moments, however fleeting they may have been. I fell in love not once, but twice. I mean, I fell in love with the wrong people, but it felt good while it lasted. I have (almost) 18 years of parental memories I’ll cherish as long as I breath. I hand-carved an opportunity for myself to get into a technical school and was able to jump into an IT career.

Mostly, though, life has pretty much sucked and I choose to blame those stupid fucking mirrors, because why not? Mirrors are always giving me bad news, anyhow. Hey, your hair’s messed up. There’s lettuce in your teeth. You’re ugly. That shirt does not look good on you. I mean, I knew mirrors were assholes, but who knew inanimate objects could sway future events?

Oh, shut up. No one believes you anyhow.

There is good news, though. I was 19 on that fateful day, and I’m 40 now. My sentence has been fully served, and my luck is now free to switch back to the good side. I’d ask you to wish me good luck, but there’s no way I haven’t already used up all my bad luck by now, right?

Right??

I Shouldn’t Have Laughed…

Well, well. Take a look at this place. It’s in such a state of disrepair. The banners haven’t been updated in a couple of years. Well, I just looked again and apparently it’s been three years. Wow. I should probably do some house-keeping ’round here.

Anyhow, I just dropped by because I felt like sharing some hilarious news. I figured with all the doom and gloom (and idiocy) of the Trump White House (Hey, is that Sean Spicer hiding in my bushes?) we could all use a good laugh. Even though we’ll be laughing at something we probably shouldn’t be laughing at.

We all know that the only dude to ever walk on water was Jesus, right?

No, Zod doesn’t count.

Well, a clergyman in Zimbabwe decided to reproduce Jesus’ miraculous feat and show the awesome power of God to his faithful.

No chance of anything going wrong here, I’m sure.

The pastor, Jonathan Mthethwa, led his congregation to Crocodile River (spoiler alert!) where he proceeded to wade about 30 meters out into the water. Just after promising the gathering that he was about to rise above the water, he was mercilessly ripped to shreds by three extremely famished crocodiles.

Now, I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this. A man lost his life. Nevertheless, I cannot stop laughing. I mean, what the hell did this guy expect to happen? If you stick a paper clip in an electrical outlet you’re going to get shocked no matter how strong your faith may be.

First of all, I’m sure it’s not called Crocodile River because it’s filled with tears of the broken-hearted. If you’re going to wade into crocodile infested waters, you should be prepared to forfeit your life. Or at the very least a limb.

Secondly, what did this dude plan on saying when he didn’t actually rise above the water? Was he going to insult their faith? Tell them if they had prayed harder he could have pulled it off? Yeah, Jesus walked on water, but he also had the divine powers that come with, you know, being the son of God. This guy was just a tool, obviously.

What’s worse is the congregation left in his wake. They just couldn’t fathom where it all went so awfully wrong. “We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week.” Yeah, and I gave that Nigerian prince my bank account information and I’m still waiting on the deposit. I just don’t get it…

If you read this story and didn’t laugh a bit, congratulations, you’re a much better person than I. Of course, that isn’t much of a reason to pat yourself on the back. However, I think we can all take away one important lesson here, and that is…

Even God can’t fix stupid.

Survey says…WTF?

Anyone remember MySpace? It was the first big social media website. At least, I think it was. It was the first one I was a member of. (Hehe, member <—Beavis and Butthead moment (I’m a little buzzed. Sorry.))

I don’t miss much from the days of MySpace. Remember how you could have a profile song? If you went to another person’s profile page their song started playing. Most of my friends listened to shitty music back in 2006. Luckily, most of those people aren’t in my life any more.

What I do miss from MySpace is the surveys. All the questions. I don’t know why I loved answering questions about myself so much. Talking about myself is something I’m not normally comfortable doing, but when asked a direct question I just blabber away like a teenager with the latest gossip.

The other day, Stephanie (of Stephallenous fame) posted a, by year 2006 MySpace standards, a survey and invited anyone who wished to join in the fun. Well, I wish and I’m joining the fun, dammit.

(Interjection: if you don’t read Stephanie you are totes missing out. She is like the WordPress version of Robin Williams. She can be deep, unpredictable, hilarious, and spontaneous. No matter what, she’s always entertaining.)

So here, in no particular order aside from numerical (this whole freakin’ system is out of order!), are 40 things you probably don’t know, or care to know, about me.

1 – Boxer shorts or budgy smugglers? The only smuggler I know is Han Solo, and he certainly doesn’t have carte blanche to hold my junk up all day. I mean, I know he’s played by Harrison Ford, but still. No touchy. Also, I prefer briefs, because I don’t like my bits swinging back and forth like some weird human raised by gorillas.

2 – What color of underwear are you currently wearing? Um, I don’t know. I put them on a long time ago. Like, this morning. When I was half asleep. Hold on. Let me look. Okay, they’re blue, you perv. Man, I had to get outta my chair and everything.

3 – How long have you been wearing them for? Since about 7 yesterday morning. It’s about 12:30AM now. Why does that make me feel gross? Fuck, I can’t even take a shower because there’s a busted pipe in my building and the water’s out. I might have to bum a shower tomorrow.

4 – Do you ever use binoculars to watch people? No, I don’t even like people. I certainly wouldn’t creep on them.

5 – Have you ever kicked someone in the groin? Not that I recall. Wait. I accidentally did it once. My brothers (all two of them), me, and a friend were playing football once while I was in high school. After a play my friend was down on all fours after a tackle. For some reason my teenage self thought it would be funny to kick him in the butt. I missed and got his punching bag instead. He was not impressed.

6 – Would you pull a trigger? Fuck yeah. Nerf guns rule.

7 – If you met your favorite celebrity, and they wanted to make out with you, would you? I don’t have a favorite celebrity. Frankly, I don’t understand this whole celebrity culture. I don’t get how people can be obsessed with people they’ve never met, and likely never will. I don’t understand how couchetards like Kim Kardashian can be made famous by being famous. They’re just people, people. Just people with more money.

8 – Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you were not in a relationship with (not talking about sex and one-night-stands)? Well, yeah. My brother and I had to share a bed for a while when growing up. Also, there were times that my children have slept with me. But Baby B and Baby C do karate kicks in their sleep and I cut that shit out. There’s nothing worse than being kicked in the nuts while you’re sleeping. Okay, that’s not true. There are plenty of things worse than that, but not right after you’ve been kicked in the nuts.

9 – Have you had one-night-stands? Once. And I’m not very proud of it. Frankly, were it up to me we would have seen each other again.

10 – Does sex have the same importance to you now compared to when you were younger? Honestly, sex has never been that important to me. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t get any. I’m more concerned with making a connection and getting to know someone.

11 – Have you ever eaten a worm? Ewwwwwwwwww. Who would do that?

12 – What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten? Beets. Hands down. I don’t even know why people serve them. They look like a slice of someone’s heart. Ack.

13 – How long do you spend sitting on the toilet? Well…this is embarrassing. I sit there a while because I take my phone with me. Before cell phones I took books with me. Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t like just sitting there with idle hands. I need something to occupy my mind.

14 – What do you do when you sit there (besides the obvious)? Um, read. Play games. Adjust my position so the part of my ass that’s asleep can wake back up.

15 – Have you ever been peed at? Amazingly, despite being the father of three boys, I’ve never been peed on. The wonders never cease.

16 – What’s the grossest thing you have ever swallowed? Well, this is a loaded question…with a nasty answer. I was feeding Baby A one night when he was about a month old. He ate from his bottle, then I burped him. Afterward I plucked him from my shoulders and brought him to my face so I could kiss him. That is exactly when he spit up…in my mouth. Regurgitated formula was spewed into my mouth by my own child. Gross. I’m not gonna lie…I still haven’t forgiven him.

17 – What’s the constantly dirtiest place in your home? I have three sons. Toilet. Hands down. Seat down, too.

18 – Why don’t you clean it? Because I’m tired of cleaning up after them!!

19 – Do you eat your boogers? Besides little people under the age of 5, who actually does that? I mean, gross. Gag.

20 – Can you describe the one smell that makes you gag? Um, hmmmm. There are a lot of smelly things out there but I can’t think of one that actually triggers my gag reflex.

21 – Have you ever had head lice? Luckily, no.

22 – Have you ever been utterly disappointed in someone? Every damned day of my life. Why can’t every one else be like me?

23 – Have you ever been scared of someone? I was pretty scared of my dad when I was a child. I was scared of my first wife. Not at what she would do to me, but rather at what she might do to herself.

24 – What do you do when you’re drunk that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about? I don’t really hide anything when I’m drunk. If I did something that embarrassing while drunk I’d probably never drink again. *shudders at that thought*

25 – Have you tried pole dancing? I didn’t know the Polish had their own type of dance.

26 – Have you been in a strip club? Once. I don’t see the allure.

27 – Have you ever run over an animal? I don’t think so. However, when I was a teenager a bird swooped down into the windshield of the car my mom was driving with me in the passenger seat. She ducked. And then stayed there. I had to actually tell her to get back up and watch the road before we wrecked. I love my mom, but she’s pretty goofy sometimes.

28 – Have you ever peed in snow? Lemon snow cones!!

29 – Have you ever made fun of someone and then regretted it? Yeah. Sometimes making fun of someone just kind of happens without thinking. Then I chide myself for being an asshole.

30 – What’s your favorite kind of question on Cards for Humanity (if you know the game)? I have no clue what this is. Can I have a mulligan?

31 – If the father of your best friend hit on you, what would you say to him? To be honest, my best friend is my brother, which would make his dad my dad. And that would be fucked up. I’d tell him to stop being fucked up.

32 – Would you go out on a date with someone half your age or double your age?No. The thought of dating someone just a few years older than my children or just a few years younger than my parents creeps me out.

33 – Do you clean the sink after brushing your teeth? I don’t scrub it or anything, but I do use a cup of water to rinse all the toothpaste down the drain.

34 – Have you ever spat in someone’s food or drink? Don’t be ridiculous. Of course not. Gross.

35 – Have you ever kissed someone only to be grossed out afterwards? See the answer to question 16.

36 – What is your number one goal in life, and are you living it? Right now my goal is to build a better home life for my children. They don’t have a bad home life, but it’s not quite as comfy as the life I had growing up, and that bothers me. No, I’m not living it, but I feel like I’m making baby steps towards it.

37 – Do you spy on your neighbor(s)? If yes, why? Fuck no. I don’t care what they’re doing. It’s none of my business.

38 – Have you ever danced and/or cried in the rain? Probably when I was younger. The only thing I do in the rain now is bitch about the rain.

39 – Have you ever ditched work to just chill out on your own (with or without Netflix)? I did it all the time when I worked for that retailer whose name rhymes with Stallmart. Since I quit about 8 years ago I haven’t done it (that I recall).

40 – What do you wish you were doing right now (anything goes)? Winning the lottery.

Hooray for surveys! You should play, too!