Interview With a Trooper – Episode VII – The Sarcasm Awakens

It’s been…a weekend. As I was getting dressed yesterday morning, Baby B called me and said a pallet fell on his foot at work and that he was in an ambulance on his way to the ER. Logically, I knew he was okay. He was calm and speaking casually. The voices in my head, however, started conjuring the worst. I rushed to the hospital and stayed with him while they reattached his toenail, stitched him up, and told him how to care for his broken toe.

While I was with B, the foster daughter we’ve had for two and a half years was moving out. Luckily she isn’t going far because she’s being adopted by my brother, but she’s still gone.

Twas a shitty day.

This morning I awoke to Baby C puking his guts out.

So much for a relaxing weekend. Namaste…or something…

  1. Pick one, monopoly or chess? Chess. Monopoly sucks and never ends.
  2. Pick one, Nike or Adidas? Nike, FTW!
  3. Pick one, Pepsi or Coca-Cola? Didn’t I answer this before? Pepsi tastes like Coke’s feces.
  4. Pick one, stripes or Polka dot? No, you can’t make me.
  5. Pick one, summer or winter? Winter! Let it snow!
  6. Pick one, texting or phone calls? Texting. Talking to humans sucks.
  7. Pick one, vanilla or chocolate? Chocolate. Tis the yummy. Then for something almost orgasmic, add peanut butter. You’ll thank me later.
  8. To what extent do you trust people? I don’t trust anyone, really. Not even myself.
  9. What about religion has changed for you as you’ve aged? That depends. I haven’t really believed since I was in 7th grade, and that hasn’t changed. However, I’ve become more and more jaded by religion as I’ve gotten older simply because of how judgmental and hypocritical people of religion are. People of any religion.
  10. What app do you use most? Email, probably.
  11. What are books on your shelf that are begging to be read? I got rid of my physical books years ago. I read ebooks now.
  12. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? Retail, security guard, fast food, customer service rep, manager, warehouse worker, and IT dude.
  13. What are some of your bad habits? Drinking, eating too much, cursing, staying up too late, procrastinating…I think that’s enough for now.
  14. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new? Humor, sarcasm, and intelligence.
  15. What are you reading now? This question….
  16. What are your best characteristics? I have no clue. It’s not for me to judge.
  17. What are your best physical features? Idk, I’m fairly strong, I guess.
  18. What are your favorite things about yourself? I think I’m funny.
  19. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called? Um, I don’t know.
  20. What artistic endeavors have you tried & decided you were bad at? All of them.
  21. What aspect of your life needs tremendous improvement? Um, all of them.
  22. What book are you reading at the moment? The Stolen Throne.
  23. What book do you remember as being important to you? I don’t know that any book is important to me, but there are a few that I quite enjoyed. Timeline is my favorite.
  24. What color is your bedroom carpet? Tan
  25. What current world events are really troubling to you? All of them…

That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Tell me how you’re doing. Tell me something good. Tell me it’s all going to be okay…

Interview With a Trooper – Episode VI – Return of the Sarcasm

It’s that time again!

Wheel of Morality
No, no. Not time for the Wheel of Morality.

It’s time for another interview with me, your favorite trooper!

Oh, shut up…
  1. In what area of your life are you immature? I think the more appropriate question is, “In what part of my life am I NOT immature?”
  2. Is anyone in your family in the army? My step-sister’s husband. So, I guess that makes him my step-brother-in-law? Is that a thing? Anyhow, he does that army thing.
  3. Is the glass half empty or half full? Depends on what was in it. If it was coffee then it’s completely empty and I need a refill. If it was chocolate milk then the same. If it was….eh, who’m I kidding? I drank it all no matter what it is. Get me a refill.
  4. Is there any item you collect? I used to collect Star Wars stuff, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten less passionate about it. I still have the collection, but I’ve not added to it in quite some time. I also collect gray hairs, but that’s quite a reluctant collection…
  5. Is your father bald? He has a small spot on the back of his head where hair has vacated the premises.
  6. Last time you swam in a pool? Labor Day at my dad’s house. Good times.
  7. Most ridiculous thing you’ve had to visit the hospital for? I can’t think of any visits that were ridiculous. Any time I’ve been to a hospital it’s been for a serious injury, illness, or the birth of a child. You know, the good stuff.
  8. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your fashion sense? Uh, 5?
  9. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your driving skills? Uh, 9?
  10. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your cooking skills? Look, the last time I stepped on a scale the number was a bit higher than 10…
  11. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, how good a kisser are you? You know, I’ve never kissed myself. I have no clue.
  12. One thing you know now that you wish you had known as a kid? Adulthood is a trap.
  13. Pick one, a comedy movie or a horror movie? Comedy. I’d rather laugh than piss my pants. Or, if I piss my pants, I want it to be because I’m laughing and not screaming.
  14. Pick one, cats or dogs? Dogs. Cats are no fun. And they normally have shitty attitudes.
  15. Pick one, chatting or phone call? Doesn’t one of these entail the other?
  16. Pick one, cheat or be cheated on? How about neither?
  17. Pick one, chicken or beef?  How about both?
  18. Pick one, Coke or Pepsi? Coke. Pepsi tastes like Coke that someone spilled sewage in…
  19. Pick one, exceptional strength or intelligence Intelligence, for sure.
  20. Pick one, forgiveness or vengeance? Ugh. Neither, really. But if I must choose, forgiveness.
  21. Pick one, free health care or free education? Ideally, both. But in this insipid scenario I’d pick free education to become a doctor and give myself free health care.
  22. Pick one, Halloween or Valentine’s Day I’m not a fan of either, but Valentine’s Day is the most ludicrous holiday there is. Well, except for President’s Day. I used to think President’s Day was cool until some dick with a dead animal on his head and orange skin ruined it.
  23. Pick one, IOS or Android? Android, FTW!
  24. Pick one, kill or be killed? No! You can’t make me!
  25. Pick one, meat or fish? I mean, fish are living creatures, so shouldn’t their flesh be considered meat?

News: I have completed a rough draft of my novel! I’m going through my first edit currently. Yay!

Query: What news do you have, meatbag?

Interview With a Trooper – Part 2(+2)

Guten tag! It’s almost the weekend! I’ve been posting these on Saturdays, but tomorrow I’ll be in the middle of my umpteenth move. Evidently my landlord is such a drunken, abusive ass that his wife kicked him out and he needs a place to live, so he basically told us to get out.

Today is also Black Friday here in ‘Merica, the day people go out and beat each other senseless for stupid shit on sale for stupid cheap the day after allegedly giving thanks for stupid things they already have. How stupid.

Perhaps I’m jaded (perhaps?!?!), but having worked 13 Black Fridays (or Blitz, as a certain store whose name rhymes with Ballmart refers to it) I have a very dark view of most humans. If you’re out shopping today, just know I think you’re crazy and brave at the same time, and I hope you’re not one of those morons who ends up on the news.

Well, enough of that. Let’s get to the interview!

  1. How are you different from your Dad? He’s conservative, I lean a little to the left. I’m funny, he’s not (hi dad!). I can see multiple points of view. I’m not sure he can. Otherwise, we’re quite similar.
  2. How are you different from your Mother? Mom was loyal to people who mistreated her. I am to a point, but eventually reach a point where I’m done and cut that person (or people) out. I’m a little more self-motivated than she was. She was kind of a slob, and I prefer my house to be clean(ish).
  3. How are you feeling right now? Well, I just answered a questions about my mom, so I’m a little bummed out.
  4. How are you glad that you are like your Dad? Dad is intelligent and really good at fixing/building things. I like to believe I am, too.
  5. How are you glad that you are like your Mother? Mom was intelligent, too, and extremely funny and loving. I like to think I have those qualities.
  6. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular? Being honest comes very naturally to me, but doing so when my words may hurt the recipient is extremely hard for me and something I often avoid way past the point of return.
  7. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize? I can’t forgive some things even if the person apologizes.
  8. How do you replenish your energy? I use a charger. Duh.
  9. How does music matter to you? Music is life. It’s how I cope. And I love to sing along.
  10. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? About 250 miles. As the crow flies. Or something.
  11. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you? Hell, I don’t know. I can’t peer into the past and then from there into a different future and see things being any different whether I was the first child (I am) or the last.
  12. How many Boyfriends/Girlfriends have you had? I don’t know. Don’t feel like driving down memory lane to get a count, either.
  13. How many countries have you been to? This one.
  14. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? I doubt I’d make it a day before going nuts.
  15. How many keys on your key ring? All of them.
  16. How many oceans have you swum in? I’ve SWAM in the Atlantic a handful of times, you illiterate stooge.
  17. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? Uh, four?
  18. How many relationships have you been in? Serious relationships? 3.
  19. How many rings before you answer the phone? My ring tone is continuous so one…if I even answer. I don’t like talking to people so I normally let it go to my voicemail, which isn’t setup. It’s a nice way to avoid feeling obligated to call people back.
  20. How many tattoos do you have? We did this already!!!
  21. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror? No more than necessary.
  22. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like? This is quite a personal question I don’t feel comfortable answering. How rude. Perv.
  23. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections? I don’t read newspapers. I get my news via Google or Microsoft News.
  24. How often do you skip breakfast? Much like Hobbits, never.
  25. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
How is everybody? Talk to me. Tell me things. Whisper sweet nothings into my comment box.

Interview With a Trooper – Part 1

So I’ve been suffering from writer’s block for quite some time, so I found some questions to answer just to fill up this space. The list of questions I found, however, is about 350 questions long, so I decided to break it up into parts. Enjoy!

  1. After a breakup, would you rather be alone or be surrounded by friends? I’d rather be alone surrounded by friends. Go figure that one out.
  2. After a divorce, would you rather share custody or get full custody? Frankly, I’d rather have full custody of my children. However, I would never want to deprive my children of a relationship with their mothers, despite how awful I may think they are as both people and mothers.
  3. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? None of the new things going on are exciting or worthy of sharing, unfortunately.
  4. Are you a dog person or cat person? Neither, really. I like dogs, but don’t want another being to take care of. Taking care of myself and my children is tiresome enough for this depressed soul.
  5. Are you a fan of any sports team? Yes, but they all suck, unfortunately. I wish I were as unloyal as bandwagon fans who just hop from one winning team to another so they’re never disappointed at the end of every game ever.
  6. Are you a good cook? I do alright, but I don’t really like to cook. I prefer to eat instead.
  7. Are you a hoarder? No! Get rid of everything! If you’ve moved as many times as I have you get rid of anything you don’t need.
  8. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night owl. Waking up to an alarm is the worst.
  9. Are you an early adopter or late-adopter? I wasn’t adopted so I can’t participate in this question.
  10. Are you close to anyone now that you initially disliked? Nope. My instincts are usually dead on. Either that or I’m extremely stubborn. You know, I think I’m just stubborn. People suck.
  11. Are you high maintenance? I don’t think so, but obviously I’m biased.
  12. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others? Um, I don’t know. I’ve never had the opportunity to do either.
  13. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on? I avoid it until it’s inevitable. It’s a habit I probably should break.
  14. Are you named after anyone? Myself.
  15. Are you satisfied with how you spend your money? What would you change? No. Spending money on bills is extremely dissatisfying. I’d rather spend my money on fun things, like tacos.
  16. Are you scared of heights? It’s not the height I’m scared of so much as the fall.
  17. Are your grandparents still married? They aren’t even alive, but they were never divorced, so I’m guessing they’re in the afterlife holding hands and wondering where they went wrong with me.
  18. At what age did you go on your first date? Hell, I don’t know. I didn’t keep a diary then.
  19. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? I didn’t know until just now that I could. Thank you for giving me this proud moment.
  20. Can you dance? I prefer not to.
  21. Can you do a split? I can eat a banana split like a champ.
  22. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Even if I could why would I want to? Who wants saliva all over their nose?
  23. Can you whistle? Sort of, but the dogs still don’t come.
  24. Describe yourself in a single sentence? What the hell is that??
  25. Did you dream last night? If I did I can’t remember.

Feel free to steal these and answer yourself!