Interview With a Trooper – Episode VIII

It’s been a bit since I’ve posted an interview segment (because reasons), so I figured I’d get another post on the wall. How’s everyone doing??

  1. What did you do for your last birthday? Idk, that was 7 months ago. I think the twins came over, we cooked out, and I had some celebratory drinks.
  2. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? Probably Luke Skywalker or Han Solo. Either way, I was winning.
  3. What did you want to be when you grew up? When I was very young, a baseball player. In high school, a teacher. In my 20’s, the best dad possible. In the 30’s…same. Now, in my 40’s, I want to go back to my childhood.
  4. What do you call carbonated drink called? Call 911! I think the interviewer just had a stroke!
  5. What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?  Weird.
  6. What do you call your grandparents? I never met either of my grandfathers. Well, technically, that’s not true. One died before I was born, the other when I was two months old. So I did meet one of them, but I don’t remember it. Both of my grandmother’s I called grandma. Unoriginal, yes, but still loving.
  7. What do you consider unforgivable? Cheating, or any other form of betrayal from someone in whom you’ve placed trust.
  8. What do you dislike about living in your neighborhood? Nothing, so far. I mean, being this close to train tracks is somewhat annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.
  9. What do you do for a living? I do IT support in a K-12 school corporation.
  10. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive? I’ll normally either read or put on a movie I’ve seen a million times (like Star Wars) and eventually I’ll pass out.
  11. What do you do most when you are bored? Um, find something to do that isn’t boring. Duh.
  12. What do you find yourself always procrastinating? Procrastination.
  13. What do you like about your home? The roof is nice. It keeps out the rain.
  14. What do you love about living in your neighborhood? Um…IDK. It’s a neighborhood. I just live here.
  15. What do you love about your favorite TV Show? I don’t really have a favorite TV show. I don’t really have favorites of anything.
  16. What do you think about more than anything else? I’m trying not to think about anything these days. It keeps me from despair.
  17. What do you think about the most? Well, right now I’m thinking…how is this question any different than the one before it, and how it’s not, and that this is a stupid question.
  18. What does your name mean? It means I answer when someone says it.
  19. What drains your energy? What doesn’t? I haven’t had much energy at all these past few months. Hopefully, that will change as I recover from surgery.
  20. What dreams have you given up on as unrealistic? Having a child who doesn’t talk back.
  21. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? Uh….I don’t know. I’ve never wished for another sibling. My family is already big as it is.
  22. What flavor of tea do you enjoy? I don’t really like tea. I pity the fool.
  23. What has been the hardest thing for you to face or learn? Hell, I don’t know. Even if you narrowed that question down to the last six months I couldn’t pick just one thing so much shit has been happening.
  24. What has required the most courage of you in your life so far? Walking away from my first marriage, methinks.
  25. What inspires you? I don’t know if inspired is the right term, but my children keep me motivated. Without them I don’t know what would keep me going.
  26. What is a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? That my first wife used suicide as a tool to keep me from leaving her. I’ve written about it at length here, but it’s not something I shared with many people in real life. For some reason, I still feel a bit of shame about the whole ordeal.
  27. What is an ideal first date for you? Not having one.
  28. What is at the top of your bucket list? Creating a bucket list.
  29. What is good about how you are living your life right now? So far I have not given into despair.
  30. What is hard about being a parent? EVERYTHING.
  31. What is hard about not being a parent? NOTHING. I mean, that’s probably not true, but I’ve been a parent so long I can’t remember what it was like to NOT be a parent.
  32. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Pictures. I am surrounded by family pictures. I love it.
  33. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up? Coffee?
  34. What is one of the worse things that could happen to you? It already happened, I think.
  35. What is one thing that you’ve never revealed to your parents? See question 26…
  36. What is one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why? Move. I hate moving and have moved way too many times in my life.
  37. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? How easily irritated I sometimes can be.
  38. What is something most people don’t know about you? Me and Vader hang out and play Texas Hold ‘Em every Saturday night.
  39. What is something that amazes you? How people keep defending Trump and the actions of the GOP somehow blocking witnesses to his impeachment trial.
  40. What is something that scares you that you would never ever try? Jumping out of a plane. Or even flying in one.
  41. What is something you are gifted at? Sarcasm.
  42. What is something you look for in a partner? A sense of humor.
  43. What is something you wish you were gifted at doing? Writing.
  44. What is something you’ve never done that you’d like to try? Winning the lottery.
  45. What is the best compliment you have ever received? You’re a good father.
  46. What is the best part of your job? There’s a lot of things I like about it. The camaraderie with those I work with. Interacting with the students (most of the time). The freedom I have to run the network as I deem best and the trust that’s been given to me to do so. The list goes on.
  47. What is the farthest-away place you’ve been? Bentonville, Arkansas. That was an interesting trip…
  48. What is the first amusement park you’ve been to? Six Flags over Georgia, I think.
  49. What is the first app you check when you wake up in the morning? Depends on which notification is at the top of the list.
  50. What is the first book you remember reading? One of the Hardy Boys novels. When I was in middle school I read a bunch of those books.

Interview With a Trooper – Episode VII – The Sarcasm Awakens

It’s been…a weekend. As I was getting dressed yesterday morning, Baby B called me and said a pallet fell on his foot at work and that he was in an ambulance on his way to the ER. Logically, I knew he was okay. He was calm and speaking casually. The voices in my head, however, started conjuring the worst. I rushed to the hospital and stayed with him while they reattached his toenail, stitched him up, and told him how to care for his broken toe.

While I was with B, the foster daughter we’ve had for two and a half years was moving out. Luckily she isn’t going far because she’s being adopted by my brother, but she’s still gone.

Twas a shitty day.

This morning I awoke to Baby C puking his guts out.

So much for a relaxing weekend. Namaste…or something…

  1. Pick one, monopoly or chess? Chess. Monopoly sucks and never ends.
  2. Pick one, Nike or Adidas? Nike, FTW!
  3. Pick one, Pepsi or Coca-Cola? Didn’t I answer this before? Pepsi tastes like Coke’s feces.
  4. Pick one, stripes or Polka dot? No, you can’t make me.
  5. Pick one, summer or winter? Winter! Let it snow!
  6. Pick one, texting or phone calls? Texting. Talking to humans sucks.
  7. Pick one, vanilla or chocolate? Chocolate. Tis the yummy. Then for something almost orgasmic, add peanut butter. You’ll thank me later.
  8. To what extent do you trust people? I don’t trust anyone, really. Not even myself.
  9. What about religion has changed for you as you’ve aged? That depends. I haven’t really believed since I was in 7th grade, and that hasn’t changed. However, I’ve become more and more jaded by religion as I’ve gotten older simply because of how judgmental and hypocritical people of religion are. People of any religion.
  10. What app do you use most? Email, probably.
  11. What are books on your shelf that are begging to be read? I got rid of my physical books years ago. I read ebooks now.
  12. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? Retail, security guard, fast food, customer service rep, manager, warehouse worker, and IT dude.
  13. What are some of your bad habits? Drinking, eating too much, cursing, staying up too late, procrastinating…I think that’s enough for now.
  14. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new? Humor, sarcasm, and intelligence.
  15. What are you reading now? This question….
  16. What are your best characteristics? I have no clue. It’s not for me to judge.
  17. What are your best physical features? Idk, I’m fairly strong, I guess.
  18. What are your favorite things about yourself? I think I’m funny.
  19. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called? Um, I don’t know.
  20. What artistic endeavors have you tried & decided you were bad at? All of them.
  21. What aspect of your life needs tremendous improvement? Um, all of them.
  22. What book are you reading at the moment? The Stolen Throne.
  23. What book do you remember as being important to you? I don’t know that any book is important to me, but there are a few that I quite enjoyed. Timeline is my favorite.
  24. What color is your bedroom carpet? Tan
  25. What current world events are really troubling to you? All of them…

That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Tell me how you’re doing. Tell me something good. Tell me it’s all going to be okay…

Interview With a Trooper – Episode V

It’s the weekend! It’s time for another 25 questions with me! Lucky you! Or something…

  1. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? 9 or 10, I think.
  2. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? 7ish? All I know is my first attempt did NOT go well. I ended up hitting a fire hydrant and flying across someone’s front yard.
  3. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? A house. And a truckload of peanut butter.
    The only REAL peanut butter.
  4. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I’d eliminate hatred.
  5. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? I’d make it clean itself…
  6. If you could choose only one, would you rather go to Paris or London? London. At least I’d be able to communicate with people there. Plus I’d get to visit a certain Brit I know and possibly throw some decomposed fruit at Boris Johnson.
  7. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? I don’t know. I don’t really care about famous people. Nor do I care what they have to say.
  8. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be? My lack of willpower. As yummy as they are I need to be able to walk by on unopened Reese’s without tearing off the wrapper and shoving it down my throat.
  9. If you could give your younger self any advice what would it be? I wouldn’t. If one tiny thing changed it could affect my entire future. I’d never do anything to jeopardize the chance at having my children.
  10. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Either Canada or Alaska.
  11. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? Powerball winner.
  12. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Canada. I’ve always said Alaska, but the US political climate is getting a bit too stupid and intense for my liking.
  13. If you could live forever, would you rather stay one age forever or get older? Why would anyone choose “get older”?
  14. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? My mommy.
  15. If you could pick one, would you rather have infinite money or unending love? Infinite money. Love hurts and I’m tired of it assaulting me.
  16. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? One I’ll keep to myself.
  17. If you could save just one, would you rather save Humanity or the Earth? The Earth. I have no particular affection for humanity. Humans are stupid.
    See? Case in point.
  18. If you don’t have any, have you ever thought of getting one Uh….any what? I’m mean, I’ve probably thought about getting one, but then I realized I didn’t know which one to get so I stopped thinking altogether.
  19. If you had 1 year left to live, what would you do for you? No clue. I’d probably cry a lot at first, then wing it from there.
  20. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people? .00000000000001 seconds.
  21. If you had a day left to live and you could spend it with anyone you choose, who would it be? I wouldn’t and couldn’t choose just one person. I’d spend it with everyone I love.
  22. If you had more courage what would you do differently in your life now? Idk, exercise more? I can’t think of anything radical I’d change.
  23. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? I’ve never been a fan of my name, but I’ve also never taken the time to contemplate choosing a new one. I have the name I have and that’s that.
  24. If you have a nickname, what is it? Daddy (and I love it)
  25. If you inherited $100,000 right now, how would you spend it? I’d pay off my bills and buy a house. I’m sure this is the wild answer you were looking for.

Coffee in Florida Tastes the Same

If we were having coffee I’d (again) apologize for the gaping hole between our visits. Life has been…busy. It has been hectic in both good and bad ways.

If we were having coffee I’d first talk about how relieved, and absolutely terrified, I am that the twins are now high school graduates. It was a close call for Baby B, who struggled through his senior year with mental illness and trying to deal with feelings he wasn’t quite sure what to do with. In the end, though, he took care of his business and graduated.

The boys are both planning the next steps in their lives and the most uncomfortable part of this whole process for me is no longer being in control. They are both intelligent young men, but inexperienced. They will need to learn from their own mistakes and no amount of “I’ve been in your shoes” from me will teach them life-lessons like the consequences of mistakes made. I’ve stepped back, told them both to please, please, PLEASE let me know if they need help, and figuratively chewed every nail from my finger tips.

They both also have their licenses now, and there have been some close calls.

If we were having coffee I’d definitely have to update you on my mother’s health, which spiralled out of control for several months, culminating with a late-nate ER visit in which she had to slowly be brought back from a diabetic coma. I spent the entire night by her side wondering if the end was neigh. I watched as a team of nurses slowly, but diligently worked to stabilize her blood sugar and raise her body temperature from 93 back to its normal range. I spent an insane amount of time on the phone the next week talking with social workers to find a rehab facility for her to recover in while the hospital re-evaluated her medications. I found her a new PCP and she has been staying with me while she gets back into he habit of caring for herself and waits for for an apartment to become available at the senior living center just down the road from me. She is doing MUCH better now. Her latest labs were fantastic. She still has some physical recovery to do, and in the past two weeks began physical therapy.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you how I can’t believe my little C is another year older and ready to move on to 2nd grade. His 1st grade teacher was amazing and I could never thank her enough for her patience and strength in guiding C over the 180 school days in which she was his teacher. He has come a looooooooooong way behaviorally in the year-and-a-half since I enrolled him in this school and I couldn’t be happier with that decision.

If we were having coffee I’d definitely tell you about the amazing woman who has stood by me during all the hardships I’ve endured the last few months without offering anything but support and love. She has been amazing and fits me like a puzzle piece I didn’t realize I was missing. And she’d want me to tell you she’s awesome, because she’s somewhat delusional. It’s kinda why we get along so well.

If we were having coffee I’d obviously have to mention that I’m writing this on my phone in Palm Beach, Florida. This is the first real vacation I’ve taken in over 10 years, and, even though I didn’t feel like I should “abandon” my mother or my job, it has been sorely needed. Between being a father, a son, a boyfriend, and an IT support specialist working way more than 40 hours a week, I haven’t taken much time for myself and the respite has been nice.

If we were having coffee you’d probably have noticed on your own, and when asked I would reply, “I’ve lost 60 pounds.” I weigh less now than I did when I graduated high school. While I still have some ways to go, I’m extremely happy with the progress I’ve made, even though I’ve had to purchase two new wardrobes in the past 6 months.

It’s your turn!

How has everyone been? How’s your coffee? Is anyone still here? Is this thing still on? Tell me all the things.

If We Were Having Coffee

So, this used to be a thing. I kinda wanted to hang out with you guys, but didn’t know what else to say here so I’m gonna say we’re having coffee, because, well, coffee.

It’s been some time since I’ve had coffee with you all (or y’all to use the local vernacular). When we last saw me ’round these parts I was trippin’ ’cause my kids had just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was feeling pretty down on myself because I hadn’t noticed what had been going on inside their minds.

I’m happy to say that they’ve been on medication for close to two months now and both boys have reported the medicine has helped them cope with their anxieties. Baby B still has some trouble finding motivation, but I’ve discussed with him that no medication is going to give him that. He’ll have to manufacture his own motivation, unfortunately.

If we were having coffee you’d probably comment on my weight loss, which would make me incredibly uncomfortable and I’d sheepishly thank you for noticing. I’ve lost a little over 50lbs in the last few months. I’ve hit a plateau, so I’m taking a little break from my regimen, while still maintaining a somewhat healthy diet. I’ll get back to it soon, as I have a few dozen more pounds I want to lose.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you how uncomfortable it makes me that people keep complimenting me on how good I look or how much weight I’ve lost. People keep referring to me as skinny, or tell me there’ll soon be nothing of me left. I’m sure they all mean well, but it all makes me want to hide. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be noticed for what I do or don’t look like. Although, a little part of me is a bit ecstatic that I can fit into clothing sizes I haven’t fit into since I was in high school…

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that the twins just turned 18 about a month ago, and that I just can’t even. It’s a bit fucked up to know that I’ve been their guardian for their entire lives and now if I want to talk to their doctor the boys will need to sign a release form stating that their PHI can be discussed with me. I mean, they are legally adults. I have no legal say-so over them any more and it’s an odd feeling. It’s like a part of who I am has been stripped away.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I met someone. Despite having a thick wall up this person drilled her way through and nuzzled right up to my heart. It has been a long process as it was an extremely thick wall, but inch by inch she made her way in. She has been extremely understanding and patient with how slowly I want things to go and respectful of how scared I am of putting myself out there again. She has just been amazing.

If we were having coffee I’d admit to you that I’m afraid to tell people that I’m seeing someone, because that makes it real. I’m afraid of it being real, because every real thing I’ve had before has blown up in the most spectacular of ways. I’ve learned, though, that as I’m admitting it most people had surmised as much anyhow, so I was really just hiding it from myself.

If we were having coffee I’d ask how you’re doing, of course, and listen as you told me all the things.

Maybe we’d play a game as we slowly sipped on our brew and talked shit about our moronic president. Maybe we’d watch cat videos on YouTube. Or maybe, just maybe, we’d enjoy each other’s company in silence like a couple of old friends are wont to do.

I hope everyone is doing well and that 2018 doesn’t bring nuclear winter (I wish that were a joke). I hope Santa dropped more than just coal in your stocking and that your children (if applicable) are doing well.

Happy New Year, bitches.

Runaway Train

newcoffeeIf we were having coffee you might raise an eyebrow at my SoCo and Coke. “I thought we were having coffee?” you might ask. To which I’d reply, “Coffee isn’t strong enough to help me face life.” Self-medication might not be healthy, but it helps me not to care that it’s not healthy. It also helps me cope with the struggles I face.

Working two jobs fucking blows. I have never felt so worn down. I am working 6 days a week. 40 hours at one job and 17 at the other. Any free time I have is spent with my children.

Well, with one of my children.

Baby C has had a disastrous start to his education. The ADHD I suspected he had going in to kindergarten has been confirmed with all the grace of a wrecking ball taking down a wall built with Legos. He has trouble focusing. He has trouble following direction. He’s disruptive in class. He has punched other students. He has kicked other students. He has spent entire afternoons with the “behavioral specialist.”

My son is brilliant. He has no problem learning the material in class. He knows his letters. He knows his sight words. He can count way past 100. I have to stop him simply because he’d count all day long and I have things to do. He knows his colors. He can sound words out.

What he can’t do is get past himself. Everything has to be his way or he simply loses his shit. He wears an imaginary crown and expects everyone else to bow down to his will. Some of this is typical 5-year-old behavior. Most of it is just inexplicable.

A month ago (or so) we scheduled an appointment with his doctor to have him evaluated for ADHD. We filled out forms. His teacher filled out forms. He was prescribed medication. The results have been less than spectacular.

Initially, he seemed to improve at school. The longer he’s been on the medication, however, the angrier he’s become. That’s when he started hitting other children at school. He began having outbursts of anger at home. Just today he’s yelled at me twice. It may not seem like a big deal, but he’s never, ever yelled at me before two days ago.

I’m done. I’m calling his doctor on Monday and demanding he be switched to a different medication.

One of the benefits of working at a school corporation is having access to hundreds of teachers who have dealt with every type of child one can encounter. They have a certified counselor on staff with whom I’ve been able to discuss Baby C’s difficulties. I have a medication in mind I want to try and a plan on how to attack C’s issues. While I’m thankful for that fighting this battle on top of everything else I’m going through is taking its toll on me.

If we were having coffee I’d confess I’m emotionally dead. I’ve unwittingly built a wall around myself and heartbreaks of the past have paid for it. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything, good or bad. I actually had a coworker say to me the other day, “You don’t ever talk to us.”

“I’m here to make money, not socialize,” was my response. Without hesitation. Without thought. And it’s true. I don’t have time for any of that bullshit. I’ve got shit to take care of. I’m there to earn a paycheck so I can catch up on my bills and have money to pay for the things my children need. I don’t have time for any kind of drama. I don’t want to listen to anyone bitching about their problems. I’ve got my own I’m trying to deal with.

The counselor I alluded to earlier told me that I was in survival mode when I confessed that I’d run out of empathy. My coworker is having similar problems with her 4-year-old. Unfortunately, I can’t muster up a shred of empathy for her. I just don’t give a shit. A part of me knows there’s something wrong with that. Unfortunately, I don’t give a shit.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m tired of politics. I’m tired of listening to Trump spewing his idiotic rhetoric. I’m tired of his whining. I’m tired of the lies foaming from his orange mouth. I’m also tired of Hillary spewing her bullshit and acting like she’s got the interests of the regular American at heart. I can’t stand that she keeps bringing up Russia every time someone confronts her about the WikiLeaks emails instead of directly answering the questions. I don’t trust either one of those fools and I feel like no matter who wins we’re fucked. It’s an indictment of our democracy that these are the best two candidates our government could put forth.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m fed up with all the clowns indignant because of NFL players kneeling during the anthem. The National Anthem and the American flag represent more than just our military. They represent our entire nation. Anyone who is confused by this doesn’t understand what the flag stands for. Colin Kaepernick and the other NFL players taking a knee during the anthem are absolutely NOT disrespecting the military. They are simply trying to bring attention to the fact that an inordinate number of minorities are being slain by white police officers. That’s it. They are upset that veterans of our military aren’t getting the medical care they need after sacrificing their lives and bodies for their nation. They are upset that “liberty and justice for all” isn’t actually for all. I get that people are tuning into football to escape the shittiness of reality, but that doesn’t change the fact that their message needs to be heard and acknowledged. This is not a nation I’m proud of. Yes, it’s a better place to live than most, but let’s not act like it’s perfect. We are flawed. Not all men (or women) are treated equally. This is NOT the land of the free.

If we were having coffee I’d apologize for going on for so long, but explain that I’ve got a lot on my plate. I’d then open my ears to listen to anything you have to say. After all is said and done, I’d probably give you a hug and apologize for being so distant. I don’t mean to be, but that’s just how I feel. I’d tell you I hope you’re all doing well and that things are looking up for you. Then I’d go crawl back inside the hole I’ve been hiding in.

Make Mine an Irish

newcoffeeIf we were having coffee I’d take my steaming hot cup o’ joe and apply a liberal dose of Bailey’s. It’s been that kind of week.

If we were having coffee I’d inform you that I’ve been overwhelmingly busy at work. Normally I wouldn’t mind having so full a plate, but my coworker makes things exceedingly difficult. My coworker thrives on drama. When she walks in the office she flaunts all of her personal drama. We all have problems, but when I’m trying to work I don’t want to hear about them. There’s a time and a place for that. She’s also an extremely negative person. She bitches about everything. She’s short with people. She’s rude. I could go on, but I think that’s enough. I’m honestly at the end of my rope. It’s to the point that I actively search for reasons not to go to our office.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that the kids went back to school this past Wednesday. As Baby C is 5 years old, that means he started Kindergarten. When telling anyone in the preceding weeks that my wee baby would be starting Kindergarten I got all manner of awwwwww’s, but I didn’t think much of it. Afterall, I’ve sent three other children off to their first day of Kindergarten. However, as I waited by the front door of C’s school while his mom carried him across the parking lot during a monsoon-like downpour, his smile so wide it nearly split his lips, I choked up a little. He was sooooo happy to be there and these past three days his most asked question has been when he’ll be going back. He loves it so far and I hope his enthusiasm never wanes.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that the twins worked with me this past summer helping me repair laptops, prep iPads, and do all other sorts of IT related stuff that we do while the students are out for the summer. They did an amazing job for the most part, even though sometimes their knack for arguing over petty stuff sometimes drove me nuts. Hence the Bailey’s.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that the transmission went out in my car a few weeks ago, forcing me to trade it in for a new vehicle and pick up a car payment, which, in turn, forced me to pick up a second job. I start that second job this Tuesday, so it’ll probably be a long time before we’re able to have coffee again. Irish or otherwise.

If we were having coffee I’d inform you that, tired of feeling like a zombie and being chained to multiple bottles of pills, I stopped taking my medication a couple of months ago. I’ve noticed that my well of patience is much more shallow, but overall I’m doing okay. I don’t like how easily irritated I sometimes become, but better that than feeling dependant on medication that perpetually left me with zero fucks to give about almost anything while completely draining me of all motivation.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that my former mother-in-law (C’s grannie) had a brain aneurism a couple of months ago. Fortunately, the amazing staff at UC Hospital was able to save her. Unfortunately, she suffered untold damage to her brain. When I first visited her she was very aware of what happened. She was lucid and we were able to have a normal conversation. When I visited her yesterday, however, her grip on reality wasn’t firm at all. I’m hoping this is a temporary setback. It was extremely difficult to hear some of the things she was saying, which made absolutely no sense at all. I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded along and laughed at the appropriate times. What makes it even harder is that C seems to be a little afraid of her and didn’t really want to be there. I understand he doesn’t know what’s going on, but that doesn’t make it any easier to witness.

If we were having coffee I’d admit that I’ve finally run out of things to say and apologize for having gone on for far too long. Then I’d ask how you’re doing and listen to you talk about all the things, all the while feeling guilty for having blabbered about myself for so long. I’d get a second, and more than likely third, cup of Irish coffee, because, you know, you can’t just have one. And as the Bailey’s took hold we’d have all sorts of laughs and I’d probably get a little loud and a lot silly, because that’s what I do when I get my buzz on.

Finally, if we were having coffee I’d apologize for not being around. Like, at all. In order to preserve what little of my sanity I have left I’ve distanced myself from pretty much everyone, because my psyche can’t handle the drama that often-times comes with any kind of relationship. I’ve even gone as far as deleting all my social media accounts. I’d love to be a supportive friend, but I can barely handle my own problems, let alone support others as they handle theirs. As much as I like to think I’m strong and can handle whatever bullshit life hurls my way, these past few years have taught me quite the opposite. Maybe one day I’ll feel like I can handle having a social life again, but for right now all I feel like dealing with is my children and trying to raise them to the best of my ability.

It was nice seeing you and sharing a drink (or three). I hope to see you again soon, my friend. Time permitting.

I’m Not Okay

If we were having coffee I’d have to get a few things in order first. I’d have to grab my favorite hazelnut creamer and dump a generous helping into my steaming cup of Colombian goodness. I love the way coffee makes me feel, but, frankly, it just doesn’t taste that well on its own. Secondly, I’d inform you that it’s pronounced coffeh, because cool.

If we were having coffeh I’d, were I to be honest (which is something I don’t normally do when it comes to my problems because I don’t want anyone to think I’m whining), tell you I’m not okay. Physically, I’m always tired. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get my energy levels are about as low as a car’s battery whose headlights were left on overnight. It takes me ages to get going in the morning. If I don’t have a cup of coffeh before I head to work I have to combat the sandman along with asshole drivers during my morning commute.

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that, mentally, I’m feeling a little fucked up. On nights without my children I feel encaged by loneliness, but the thought of going out and meeting new people (or old people) terrifies me. Too often when I get involved with others I feel like I get tangled in their drama, and I don’t want anything to do with that. I can barely hold myself together. I don’t need to deal with anyone else’s problems. Further, it seems, for one reason or another, almost every relationship I’ve had over the last few years (friendship or otherwise) has literally blown the fuck up. I’m afraid to get close to anyone because I fear the pain that comes with having that person ripped away.

Were we having coffeh I’d disclose that because of a miscommunication between my doctor and my pharmacy last month I went about a week and a half without my meds. Since then my emotional state has been colored increasingly blue. I can’t remember the last time I was in a decent mood. I’ve found myself on the brink of tears multiple times in the last month with no real catalyst. Motivation eludes me. My free time is spent in front of the TV binge-watching Netflix. (BTW, Dark Matter is a pretty kickass show). The thought of participating in any type of activity is distasteful. I don’t like leaving the house. The thought of writing generally makes me feel…meh. I find it hard to care about anything. In my mind, I know I need to get my ass up and do things, but translating those thoughts into actions is damn near impossible. I go to work, I come home. I do my part-time father thing. Then, I’m lost the rest of the time.

Were we having coffeh, I’d tell you I’ve been listening to this song on repeat, because the lyrics of this song latch on to me. They encapsulate me. They make me feel. I can’t put those feelings into words, and I don’t even think they’re good feelings, but they’re feelings. I guess that’s something.

Were we having coffeh I’d tell you how increasingly misanthropic I’m becoming. I literally can’t stand most of what humans do. To the planet. To each other. To animals.

I can’t comprehend how an idiot like Donald Trump has an actual chance to become president. He’s a sexist, racist, babbling idiot who encourages his followers to inflict violence on people who disagree with him, but, hey, he “tells it like is” so that must mean he’s presidential material.

I can’t comprehend why mass shootings and gun violence on our city streets has resulted in absolutely zero changes to gun laws.

I can’t comprehend why the general populace thinks it’s okay to be so hateful towards anyone who disagrees with them. It seems the comment sections of our news articles have become the devil’s playground. Everybody seems to feel that the ability to hide behind a keyboard and monitor gives them the right to parade their inner douches around and that there will be, and should be, no consequences.

I can’t comprehend why men are so afraid of women who want to be treated equally. We’re all human, right?

I can’t comprehend why anyone would care who is in the bathroom stall next to them. We’re all just in there trying to let our bodies perform their required tasks.

I can’t comprehend why anyone feels it’s their business to choose who can marry who. Why shouldn’t two men (or women) be allowed to get married, have children, and then be torn apart by divorce? Shouldn’t all people have a right to obtain that American dream?

I can’t comprehend why certain people feel that their “religious values” need to be made into laws. It seems to me that those very same people have an issue Sharia law. Let’s face it, the rules of Christianity and Sharia Law aren’t all that different. Sharia Law just has more deadly consequences. I also can’t comprehend why those very same people don’t understand the separation of church and state, religious freedom, or that people who don’t want to be governed by religious beliefs aren’t persecuting anyone.

Were we having coffeh I’d tell you that my misanthropy has me on the edge of leaving the internet again. I get tired of the daily parade of stupidity, cruelty, and depravity I see online. Instead of being encouraged by movements for positive change I’m simply sad that they’re needed. I’m tired of seeing shit about the Kardashians and their ilk. I don’t have a single fuck to give about those people and can’t figure out why they’re constantly in the news.

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that I’m moving next weekend, and it’s probably one of the reasons I’ve been feeling down lately. I’m moving a town over because the school district there is much better than where I live, and Baby C starts kindergarten this fall. All the packing I’ve done this past month has had me sifting through memories, and many of them leave me sad. I’ve found many a thing of my ex-wife’s while packing. I found our wedding pictures. I found pictures of C when he was a wee lad. I found pictures of the twins tucked a way in a box their mom gave me a couple of years after I left her. I found a picture Baby B drew for me when we got our first place after I left their mother. 20160416_114108

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that I’m probably going to have to get a second job after moving. Doctor and dental bills for the kids are piling up and I just can’t pay them.

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that I know I need to see a psychiatrist, but can’t. I don’t have the money to see one. I’d have to get a second job to afford that and if I get a second job then I won’t have the time to see one.

If we were having coffeh, I’d tell you that it was nice to see you and thank you for listening. Then I’d apologize for laying all this bullshit on you and feel guilty for burdening you with my problems and emotional turbulence. I’d likely go home feeling ashamed and we’d probably not see each other again for a long while because I’m anti-social, and I’d fail to reach out again because I’d feel like I’d alienated you with my incessant bitching.

Lastly, I’d peer down into my empty cup and lament the fact that I spent five bucks on one fucking cup of coffeh.