Interview With a Trooper – Would You Rather Edition

I’ve had these questions just sitting in my drafts folder for ages, but I’ve been too busy working and/or being depressed by this stupid-ass year to answer them. I also just wanted to get something posted so my blog doesn’t atrophy…

1. Would you rather always be overdressed or always be underdressed? I’d rather be comfortable. T-shirt and sweat pants FTW.
2. Would you rather be a genius or be wealthy? Wealthy. I could then just buy a genius.
3. Would you rather be a hammer or a nail? Heh, heh. I’d rather do the nailing than be nailed…
4. Would you rather be a lonely genius or an idiot with a lot of friends? I’m already a lonely genius. Nobody consulted me about this before I was born.
5. Would you rather be able to play 10 different instruments beautifully or speak 10 different languages fluently? Hmmmm….probably the instruments. Even though it wouldn’t technically be a language I could still speak to people.
6. Would you rather deal with a crying baby or a saucy and spoilt child? Honestly, what’s the difference?
7. Would you rather do cardio or lift weights? Does doing shots count as lifting weights?
8. Would you rather drink a carbonated drink or fruit Juice? Or how about a carbonated juice? Or a fruit drink?
9. Would you rather forget to pack clean underwear when traveling or forget to pack your footwear? I’d rather forget to travel entirely than either of those two things.
10. Would you rather go bungee jumping or skydiving? This is why I avoid planes and tall buildings.
11. Would you rather have 1 million dollars right now or one penny doubling every day for thirty days? I was wondering why this would be a thing so I did the math. I’ll take the latter ’cause that’s over 10 million.
12. Would you rather have 1,000,000 in your bank account or an IQ of 145+? I feel like I’ve answered a question like this already….
13. Would you rather have 6 sons or 6 daughters? 6 sons. 6 sons. 6 sons.
14. Would you rather have a 99% chance to win $100,000 or a 50-50 chance at $10 million? That’s a tough one. I’d probably take the 100,000.
15. Would you rather have a big stomach or fat cheeks? Well, I already have both, so I’ve been deprived of choice yet again.
16. Would you rather have a friend who’s very blunt with their words or a friend who tells a lot of white lies? I do not like liars, Sam I Am.
17. Would you rather have a live-in massage therapist or a live-in chef? Chef, for sure. Massages don’t do anything for me. I’d be excited to see how many different dishes can be made with buffalo chicken.
18. Would you rather have a roommate that eats a lot or one that sleeps a lot? Give me a sleeper. My inner introvert could definitely live with that.
19. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? British, mate. I love the British accent.
20. Would you rather have annoying neighbors or neighbors who you always seem to annoy? I’d rather not have neighbors at all, but if I must choose I’ll be the annoying one.
21. Would you rather have the ugliest house in a beautiful neighborhood or the most beautiful house in an ugly neighborhood? I’d rather have the only house in the neighborhood.
22. Would you rather have to change your clothes five times a day or wear the same outfit five times in a row? Ewwww….5 times a day, for sure.
23. Would you rather live in a five bedroom apartment all alone or live in a one bedroom apartment with five kids? Seriously, who would choose 5 kids? Anyone who chooses that forgot to take their medicine.
24. Would you rather live in a place where it’s always raining or a place where the sun never goes down? Gimme the rain. I would never sleep if it were never dark.
25. Would you rather live in a rural area or the suburbs? I’d rather live in a rural area with suburban people.
26. Would you rather live in an apartment or house? House, for sure. The people in the upstairs apartment are always making some sorta noise.
27. Would you rather live in ancient Greece or ancient Rome? That’s a tough one. Instead of living in one or the other can I just visit both?
28. Would you rather not be able to go out in the daytime or not be able to go out in the night time?Probably night time. My eyes don’t see so well in the dark any more…
29. Would you rather talk in your sleep or fart in your sleep? Uhhh….if I pick one how would I know I didn’t get the other?
30. Would you rather walk funny or talk funny? Why can’t I do both? I’m a funny guy.

How is everyone? My, my. It’s awfully dark in here. Is this thing on? Well…okay. Play along if you want to, I guess.

Interview With a Trooper – Part 33 1/3

Welcome to the continuing saga of an almost 350 question interview which I have decided to break down into parts because I’m lazy, don’t feel like answering them all at once, and spare you from overdosing on my idiocy. Here are some more questions!!!

1. Do you remember your dreams? I’ve never really remembered my dreams. However, since mom died she’s visited me in my sleep more times than I can count. I don’t remember my entire dreams, but I remember the parts with her. Each time I see her I get excited, then remember she’s gone and then hide somewhere and cry.
2. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away? I used to, but now I get rid of them unless they have sentimental value.
3. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? Depends on what’s in it.
4. Do you sing in the shower? Oh, hell yeah. I rock that shit.
5. Do you sleep with the lights on or off? Who can sleep with the lights on?
6. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? I spell it correctly.
7. Do you take any pills or medication daily? Sadly, yes. The voices tell me they keep me sane.
8. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? Didn’t we already cover this? What shoddy journalism. #fakenews
9. Does your name make any interesting anagrams? I’ve never tried….
10. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? WHY?? Seriously, why do these exist? Beauty pageants are some of the most chauvinist, superficial things man has ever created.
11. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? MMmmmmm….breadsticks.
12. Have you ever dated two people at a time? Not dated….
13. Have you ever had Indian food? I don’t think so.
14. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? Yes! Stupid catholic school….
15. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? Nope. I don’t think going that fast with nothing between me and the road is intelligent.
16. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? Yup. I can even speak whale.
17. Have you ever suffered a fracture? Yup. Pro tip: playing catcher without a catcher’s mask is NOT a good idea.
18. Have you ever taken karate lessons? Does watching Karate Kid count?
19. Have you ever taken self-defense lessons? Nope.
20. Have you ever urinated in a pool? I’m sure I did when I was a kid.
21. Have you ever visited a country outside your continent? I’ve never visited another country IN my continent…
22. Have you ever won a trophy or an award? What was it for? Sure, when I played sports as a kid.
23. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not? I haven’t really forgiven myself, but I don’t dwell on them anymore. They still haunt me occasionally, but for the most part they are buried in the past.
24. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? Which one is your favorite? No, no, and hell no.
25. How and where do you prefer to study? By myself in a quiet place which I can never seem to find anymore with all these kids in the house.

21 Years

I didn’t know what I wanted to do after I graduated high school. I knew what I was supposed to do, though. I was to pick a college, bury myself in student loans, and get a degree. But I didn’t know what for. Furthermore, my self-confidence was shaken. I almost flunked a couple of classes my senior year while trying to do school and a full-time job. How was I going to successfully juggle college and a job if I couldn’t manage that?

As I struggled with the decision of what to do with the rest of my life time kept ticking on. I got a job at Walmart to help pay the bills and distractions ensued.

I was initially hired on as an unloader. I spent my nights tossing boxes onto a freight line, sorting them by department, and then taking pallets full of merchandise out to the sales floor where my cheerful coworkers eagerly waited like kids parked around the fireplace waiting for Santa to appear. (Editor’s note: That was sarcasm. No one who works for Walmart is cheerful. Suffer no delusions in that regard.)

One night I was in the truck heaving boxes of all shapes, sizes, and mass onto the line. I was lost in the groove of the music pumping from the radio. I was in a zone and not paying careful attention to what I was doing. You know how it is when you’re droning through some mindless task. Your body just goes on autopilot while your mind goes to another place. Or perhaps another dimension. Or maybe just to sleep.

In my zombie-like state of mindlessness I tossed an extremely thin, but almost 6-foot tall box, onto the line with a little less force than was needed. Thus, only the front half of the box made it on to the line. The back half of the box folded downward and the end result was a box pointing, with 3-feet of its girth, one direction, and the other 3-feet of it at a 45 degree angle.

As the box folded neatly along its mid-section the unmistakable sound of glass breaking escaped from within.

Oops.

I walked over to the deformed box to see what damage I had wrought only to find that I had inadvertently turned three 6-foot long door mirrors into six 3-foot miniature door mirrors.

“Well, shit. 21 years bad luck,” I deadpanned. Little did I know just how scarily accurate my one-liner would turn out to be.

Now I’m not really a superstitious person. I’ve stepped on plenty of cracks and never once broken my momma’s back (I’m pretty sure I did break her sanity, though. Sorry, Mom.). I’ve spilled salt and never once tossed any over my shoulder (I just wiped it off the table and onto the floor to be swept up later). I’ve never once hesitated to walk under a ladder (unless I needed to duck to save my head (and sometimes not even then – ow!)). I’ve picked up many a penny who was face down, ass up. I sometimes think the only color cats come in is black. On more than one occasion I ordered lunch and it totaled up to a devilish $6.66.

I didn’t truly believe that one small act of negligence would actually curse the next 21 years of my life, but now I’m not so sure. Since that one careless act I’ve had a lot of bad luck. I’ve been married, and divorced, twice. I’ve had to declare bankruptcy. Twice. I was held hostage in a relationship I wanted no part of with threats, and at least one attempt, of suicide. That “relationship,” and the children I inherited with it, prevented me from going to college. I’ve been subjected to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. I suffered through a 5-year-long cycle of depression catalyzed by losing half of my life with the twins only to begin a new one catalyzed by my second divorce. My then-stepson violated my then-stepdaughter under my roof and I had no clue. I’ve been accused of things so despicable I can’t even bring myself to articulate the words. I took part in a two-year-long battle with infertility, in which we prevailed, but at great emotional cost.  I spent most of the last three years adrift in a sea of isolation and empty bottles.

It hasn’t all been doom and gloom, though. Some great things have happened to me, as well. For instance, I have three wonderful, beautiful children whom I love with every fiber of my existence. There have been a handful of happy moments, however fleeting they may have been. I fell in love not once, but twice. I mean, I fell in love with the wrong people, but it felt good while it lasted. I have (almost) 18 years of parental memories I’ll cherish as long as I breath. I hand-carved an opportunity for myself to get into a technical school and was able to jump into an IT career.

Mostly, though, life has pretty much sucked and I choose to blame those stupid fucking mirrors, because why not? Mirrors are always giving me bad news, anyhow. Hey, your hair’s messed up. There’s lettuce in your teeth. You’re ugly. That shirt does not look good on you. I mean, I knew mirrors were assholes, but who knew inanimate objects could sway future events?

Oh, shut up. No one believes you anyhow.

There is good news, though. I was 19 on that fateful day, and I’m 40 now. My sentence has been fully served, and my luck is now free to switch back to the good side. I’d ask you to wish me good luck, but there’s no way I haven’t already used up all my bad luck by now, right?

Right??

I Shouldn’t Have Laughed…

Well, well. Take a look at this place. It’s in such a state of disrepair. The banners haven’t been updated in a couple of years. Well, I just looked again and apparently it’s been three years. Wow. I should probably do some house-keeping ’round here.

Anyhow, I just dropped by because I felt like sharing some hilarious news. I figured with all the doom and gloom (and idiocy) of the Trump White House (Hey, is that Sean Spicer hiding in my bushes?) we could all use a good laugh. Even though we’ll be laughing at something we probably shouldn’t be laughing at.

We all know that the only dude to ever walk on water was Jesus, right?

No, Zod doesn’t count.

Well, a clergyman in Zimbabwe decided to reproduce Jesus’ miraculous feat and show the awesome power of God to his faithful.

No chance of anything going wrong here, I’m sure.

The pastor, Jonathan Mthethwa, led his congregation to Crocodile River (spoiler alert!) where he proceeded to wade about 30 meters out into the water. Just after promising the gathering that he was about to rise above the water, he was mercilessly ripped to shreds by three extremely famished crocodiles.

Now, I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this. A man lost his life. Nevertheless, I cannot stop laughing. I mean, what the hell did this guy expect to happen? If you stick a paper clip in an electrical outlet you’re going to get shocked no matter how strong your faith may be.

First of all, I’m sure it’s not called Crocodile River because it’s filled with tears of the broken-hearted. If you’re going to wade into crocodile infested waters, you should be prepared to forfeit your life. Or at the very least a limb.

Secondly, what did this dude plan on saying when he didn’t actually rise above the water? Was he going to insult their faith? Tell them if they had prayed harder he could have pulled it off? Yeah, Jesus walked on water, but he also had the divine powers that come with, you know, being the son of God. This guy was just a tool, obviously.

What’s worse is the congregation left in his wake. They just couldn’t fathom where it all went so awfully wrong. “We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week.” Yeah, and I gave that Nigerian prince my bank account information and I’m still waiting on the deposit. I just don’t get it…

If you read this story and didn’t laugh a bit, congratulations, you’re a much better person than I. Of course, that isn’t much of a reason to pat yourself on the back. However, I think we can all take away one important lesson here, and that is…

Even God can’t fix stupid.

You Couldn’t Let Me Be

Familiar urge rises again
Call of nature strikes and then
Make a run for the commode
For relief I must unload

Like an orca hunting seals
There you are nipping at my heels
Push you back just to shut the door
As I have done many times before

You couldn’t let me be
You couldn’t let me pee
Instead you make a scene
You’re driving me out of my mind
You stomp and wail and squeal
Don’t like the way it feels
Why’s this such an ordeal?
My sanity has been left behind

Now you’re pounding on the door
You throw yourself upon the floor
Ask me if I have to poop or pee
Knob starts shaking, Oh Em Gee!

‘Neath the door your hand appears
Need about a dozen beers
If I liquor up my inner beast
Maybe at last I’ll know peace

You couldn’t let me be
You couldn’t let me pee
Instead you make a scene
I’m ’bout to just run away
You stomp and wail and squeal
Don’t like the way it feels
Why’s this such an ordeal?
You ruined my fucking day

I Didn’t Write This Poem

I didn’t type this sentence
I didn’t write a word
I decided to try something
Utterly absurd

My fingers aren’t moving
My keyboard sits alone
For all you know I could be
Perched upon the throne

I’m nowhere near a computer
Just chilling on my couch
These words just keep appearing
How’s that for a slouch?

How can this be happening?
How did this come to be?
These words are just appearing
Every time I speak

Technology is amazing
With smartphone in hand
I can turn voice to words
And spread them ‘cross the land

This poem was “written” completely using google voice recognition. I got the idea to try this the other day and it is much more difficult to write this way than to actually type it out using a keyboard. Quite frankly writing this way is a real pain in the ass; I don’t recommend it at all. Still, it was a neat thing to try.

Do you use voice recognition on your phone? Do you love it? Do you hate it? Or do you think people who use it are just lazy bums?

10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Star Wars Universe

You can scour the internet for hours searching for useless Star Wars facts and never run out of material to read. Star Wars is an uncontrolled locomotive of popularity and has made creator George Lucas billions upon billions of moneys.

If you search all of these sites, blogs, and message boards looking for “facts you didn’t know” about Star Wars you’ll notice one glaring element missing from every list: none of them are written by anyone from the Star Wars universe; they’re all written by nerds, geeks, and fanboys.

I am a stormtrooper in the Imperial Army. There is a portal hidden in my living room closet which transports me between Earth and the Star Wars universe, where I am known as Drun Kenman (or TD-421). Having unrestricted access to the Star Wars universe means I know things that those nerds, geeks and fanboys couldn’t possibly know. I know these things because I’ve experienced them firsthand, and didn’t see them in a movie or read them in a book.

I have decided to share some of those facts here today, because Star Wars fever is once again at a pitch. The the Force scheduled to be Awakened soon, you’ll want to know these things that you won’t find on any other blog, message board, or website.

1.) Kissing your siblings to make a potential mate jealous is an ancient Alderaanian custom. Sadly, since the planet has been blown away there aren’t many people left to confirm this. But Princess Leia did.

It works, too. Look at Han. He’s pissed.

2.) Gungan meat is considered a delicacy on most worlds now. This is a recent development, however. The galaxy was unaware of this until Jar Jar was skewered and eaten.

Meesa for dinner???

3.) Princes Leia’s hair stylist was a pastry chef prior to being hired by the Alderaanian princess.

Cinnabuns!

4.) Wampas are the result of Wookiee inbreeding.

5.) It’s a common misconception that the dark side has cookies. I fell for that line when I signed up for the Empire, and was livid upon finding out I’d been duped. Livid!

Bullshit!

6.) Padme Amidala’s relationship with Anakin Skywalker was, sadly, not the first time she “rocked the cradle of love.” There was an incident with a younger boy while she ruled Naboo as its queen. Luckily for her, it was kept out of the press by then Senator Palpatine and some cunning media manipulation.

I swear, Ani! That other kid didn’t mean a thing!

7.) Jabba the Hutt was once a fit and athletic gastropod until his thyroid failed and he ballooned into the immobile pile of flab choked to death by Princess Leia.

8.) It is widely believed that Darth Vader’s required breathing apparatus is needed because the Dark Lord of the Sith inhaled the scorching, toxic air of Mustafar while his body burned just inches away from a molten river of lava, thus torching the insides of his lungs. The reality is that it was the result of a party trick gone horribly awry. Vader had taken an interest in ventriloquism and was attempting to make his dummy talk while downing a flaming alcoholic beverage. The shot went down the wrong hole, flooding his lungs with fiery liquor and rendering them essentially useless. The “trick” was a hit, but for all the wrong reasons.

9.) It is widely assumed that Count Dooku left the Jedi Order due to ideological differences. Chief among those is that Dooku had become a Sith Lord, which the Jedi seemed to frown upon. While it’s true Dooku did eventually become a Sith Lord, it is untrue that he voluntarily left the Jedi Order. Dooku was, well, a perv. He was using the Force to disrobe unsuspecting women he found attractive. Then he would follow up with horribly cheesy pick up lines such as, “Would you like to feel the Force?” or “I’d like to shine my light on your dark side.” The Order tolerated it as long as they could but eventually had to part ways with the salacious Jedi Master.

And she told me to get lost. Man, why can’t they all be weak-minded?

10.) The Force has a will and wants what it wants, but did you know that sometimes the Force can go back and change the past? For instance, while I was stationed Tatooine there was a shooting in the Mos Eisley Cantina. All witnesses originally remember a human shooting a Rodian. One blaster bolt fired, one fried green Rodian. But as time wore on the Force changed things. Witnesses now remember two blaster bolts being fired. They now remember the man inhumanly jerking his head to the left to dodge a bolt fired by the Rodian then torching the alien with a return shot. There are now blaster burns on the wall behind where the human was sitting. Most people don’t even realize that the past has changed, but I must be too strong-willed for the Force to impose this change on me. It’s just like in the Matrix when they change something and only the people plugged in know something has been changed.

That concludes my list of 10 irrefutable facts about the Star Wars universe; facts that can be found nowhere else on the internet but here. You now have knowledge that no other Star Wars geek has. When the IT guys at work are huddled around the water cooler discussing Princess Leia and her metal bikini, you can march right into the conversation with one of these tidbits. They will be so impressed by your extraordinary Star Wars knowledge that they’ll fix your computer without making you call in a ticket. They’ll reset your password without asking you an annoying security question. They won’t even get angry when you confuse your CD-ROM tray for a cup holder. Again.

This list, my friends, will benefit you all. You’re welcome.

 

6 Things That Should Be Possible

Someone once asked me what impossible things I believe in. There’s not much I believe in, to be honest. I believe in the healing power of laughter. I believe one person can make a difference. I believe Pumpkin Spiced Lattes are the single greatest beverage on this planet.

Impossible, by its very definition, is something that cannot happen. No seriously, it is. I even went and looked it up. Need further proof? I shall provide it. Here, straight from dictionary.com, is the definition of impossible:

im·pos·si·ble

adjective

1.not possible; unable to be, exist, happen, etc.

2.unable to be done, performed, effected, etc.: an impossible assignment.

3.incapable of being true, as a rumor.

4.not to be done, endured, etc., with any degree of reason or propriety: an impossible situation.

5.utterly impracticable: an impossible plan.

So, having established that impossible things are, well, impossible, I have to say that it would be useless for me to believe in them.  Why put my faith in something I know can never happen?  Sure, I could believe that I can fly, but it’ll never happen so why should I?  Why should I do that to myself? That seems like a sure-fire way to live in perpetual disappointment.

Just for fun, though, I decided to think of a few things that are impossible which I wish were possible. Letting the old imagination off its imaginary leash is always good for the imaginary brain, amiright? That’s the greatest thing about writing. The only limits are those of our imaginations.

So, without further ado, I present to you my list of 6 impossible things which should totally be possible.

1. A way to control metabolism.  Like with a knob or something. It kills me when someone who is paper-thin eats way more than me and doesn’t gain an effin’ pound. What the hell is the deal with that? I want to be able to crank it up for a while and burn off all those calories at will.
2. Eternal life.  I love being alive. I enjoy breathing very much. I don’t want to go anywhere.  I have no interest in that never-ending slumber.
3. The elimination of stupidity. Seriously. I’m an impatient person and that’s something I’m really, really trying to remedy, but my patience goes on strike in the face of blatant stupidity. My sarcasm asserts itself and my mood nose-dives like a kamikaze pilot. Depending on the severity of the stupidity, I might even get angry about it. It’s a waste of time and energy to get upset about it because, as Ron White so eloquently said, you can’t fix stupid. And that’s unfortunate.

   

   They call me…Tater Salad. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4. Beam me up, Scottie.  I want the ability to teleport. I’ve met so many incredible people on WordPress who I’d like to meet in person but I don’t have the time or resources to do so. If Scottie could just beam me around so I could visit them that would be great. I’d also do that thing from Jumper and beam myself into a bank vault. Hey! I guy’s gotta eat.
5. I want to visit that galaxy far, far away.  Seriously, how effin’ cool would that be? I want to see the Mos Eisley cantina. I want to visit Alderaan before it gets blown to bits. I want to use the Force.  I want to see Coruscant. A planet-wide city would be quite a sight to behold. I want to personally see Leia in that golden bikini.
6. TV without commercials.  Commercials annoy the shit out of me. There’s nothing worse than getting into a good show or movie only to have it interrupted by 2 continuous minutes of sheer idiocy. What makes it worse is how horrible commercials are. I guess this kind of goes with number 3, but commercials are unbelievably stupid. The ones that try to be funny fail miserably and end up aggravating me. I sit there and wonder what idiot thought it would be a good idea to not only pay to make this commercial, but also pay for the air-time needed to show it to a mass audience. Fail. Just fail.

Well, that’s the way things should be. And so we’ve come to that very special part of the post where I involve you, dearest reader. That’s right, it’s AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION TIME! What impossible thing(s) do you wish were possible?

 

Think You’re Cut Out For Being a Stormtrooper? Take This Quiz!

So you’ve seen Star Wars once or 58,327,459,473 times and you’re thinking to yourself, “That stormtrooper gig looks pretty easy. Plus, that armor is absolutely sexy as all get out. I could be a stormtrooper for sure!”

Well hold on there, scooter. Not so fast. Being a stormtrooper is more than just slaughtering Jawas, chasing rebels, and twerking. Although, twerking, if done right, is an amazing spectacle to behold.

Being a stormtrooper requires dedication. There’s a vigorous training regimen involved. You have to condition yourself to carry around plastic armor that won’t save you from even the most glancing of blaster bolts…or rocks thrown by rebellious teddy bears. There’s hours of training while you and your blaster carbine become one with each other – the marksmanship of Imperial stormtroopers is legendary, after all. You’ll have to learn how to survive Darth Vader’s wrath when you inevitably fail. Its hard not to believe in the Force when you see a man kill another man just by thinking about it.

To help you ascertain whether or not you’re stormtrooper material, I’ve devised this handy quiz. You can thank me later.

1. You have encountered some rebel scum. With your handy-dandy E-11 blaster carbine, you unload on this unsavory blight on the galaxy with your itchy trigger finger.  When finished, the results are:

1. That scum is dead.
2. Everything in your general vicinity has been hit…except the rebel. And he/she then killed you with one shot.
3. Jawas that weren’t there a minute ago are inexplicably laying dead on the ground.
4. You had your blaster carbine turned around and accidentally shot yourself instead.

2. A disheveled-looking old man tells you the droids stuffed into the back of his speeder aren’t the droids you’re looking for, yet you can plainly see that they are. What do you do next?

1. Blast the old idiot and confiscate the droids, winning the praise of a very powerful and very angry Sith Lord.
2. Respond with a fake laugh, sarcasm, and ask if you look like you’re really that stupid. When he says yes, resort to answer number 1.
3. Tell the old man to move along and agree with him that those aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
4. Flip a coin and let luck determine your actions while muttering something asinine about justice.

3. You’re chasing intruders throughout the Death Star. Ahead of you a blast door is rising, but not quickly enough. Do you…

1. Continue at full speed and duck your head to avoid hitting the blast door?
2. Continue at full speed and simply slam your head into the bottom of the door?
3. Stop and demand to know who’s playing with the switch?
4. Fake an injury and fall to the ground, clutching your ankle and cursing the poor genetics passed on to you by your rebel-sympathizing parents?

4. You’re wading through the Forest Moon of Endor and notice an Ewok on a tree branch about 20m up in the air. The Ewok has a large rock in his hands and is about to launch it at you. Do you…

1. Throw your hands up and wait for the rock to hit you, and end up unconscious when it does.
2. With the ample time you have before the rock hits you, step to the side and then blast the little hellion.
3. Grab the trooper next to you and yank him into the rock’s path. Laugh uncontrollably when the rock hits your fellow trooper.
4. Curl up in the fetal position and begin crying about this not being what you signed up for.

5. Darth Vader wants to know why you’ve replaced two energy packs in your blaster without hitting a single thing you aimed for. Do you…

1. Blame poor Imperial training.
2. Blame the helmet for hindering your vision.
3. Wave your hand and say, “This is not the trooper you’re looking for.”
4. Get force-choked to death before you can answer.

I’m sure you’re all eager to know how you did on your quiz. Please watch this training video while we calculate the correct answers.

The correct answers are as follows:

1. 2
2. 3
3. 2
4. 1
5. 4

If you answered all questions correctly…what are you still doing here? Go enroll for the Imperial Academy quickly!

If you answered 4 questions correctly…you are Imperial stormtrooper material and with a little bit of training we can mold you into an elite trooper.

If you answered 3 questions correctly…you might be eligible for stormtrooper training.  Further testing is required to ascertain your eligibility.

If you answered 2 questions correctly…you have rebel sympathizing tendencies. Search the holonet to see what happens to those who support the Rebellion. Warning: graphic content.

If you answered 1 question correctly…you are a rebel sympathizer. Remain where you are while a squad of troopers is dispatched to dispense Imperial justice.

If you answered no questions correctly…you are a rebel. Prepare to be blasted.

How did you score? Are you stormtrooper material or are you a rebel who I will be forced to blast?

10 Things I Would Totally Do If I Had Jedi Powers

Have you ever been arguing with someone and just wanted to force-choke that bitch because he or she just wasn’t getting it? Have you ever tried your best to talk someone into doing something and wished the you could just wave your hand and they’d absent-mindedly yield to your demands? Have you ever sat down on the couch and realized the remote is resting at the other end and wished you could just reach out with your hand it would magically levitate right into your outstretched hand?

As I was making the long commute home from work the other day, I become annoyed with the driver in front of me who was peddling his car far too slowly. I sorta have a lead foot. I have a need – a need for speed. I started to think, Man, if I had the force…and that’s when the light bulb in my head lit up. The hamster wheel was spinning with the hamster inside of it! The lights were on and somebody was home! My inner blogger squealed with joy as I had not only come up with a post idea, but an idea that could become a regular feature. I mean, surely after I think of the original list here I’ll come up with more.

It’s no secret that I’m a huge Star Wars nerd. Star Wars books compose the majority of my book collection. I have an entire wall in my living room dedicated to Star Wars memorabilia. I have four or five copies of “The Trilogy” (I’ve lost count…sigh) sitting atop my bookshelf. I have crafted my offspring into little Star Wars geeks. I dressed up as both Han Solo and Luke Skywalker for Halloween as a child. I used to turn the lights off in the basement and wave a flashlight around as if it were a lightsaber. My online persona is a stormtrooper. You get the point, I think. Doing this kind of post regularly fits into my need to induce laughter and satisfies my inner Star Wars geek.

So, here, without further ado (ado you hear what I hear?), is my inaugural list of 10 things I’d totally do if I had Jedi powers.

1. I’d use the Force to manipulate the air flow while I’m changing one of Baby C’s diapers. My child is adorably cute, but his shit is incredibly rank.

   

   My nose hairs just ignited! The horror!

2. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick to get my children to clean their rooms. I mean, I can get them to do it now, but not without yelling and having to goin there multiple times to point out the things they missed. And threaten bodily harm. Lots of threats are involved.

   

   You WILL clean your room. *waves hand*

3. I’d use the Force to increase my metabolism. No explanation needed there, I think.
4. I would quit showing up for work. Instead, I would sleep in every day and do all the other things I don’t get to do while working. I would then submit a time sheet for 40 hours and then use the Jedi Mind Trick on my boss to convince him I did work all the hours I turned in.

   

   These aren’t the excuses you’re looking for.

5. I’d drive 100mph everywhere and use the Jedi Mind Trick on every cop who pulled me over to get out of the ticket.
6. When some asshole cuts me off I’d use the Force to turn his/her steering wheel so that his/her car immediately went flying off the road.
7. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick on the editor’s at WordPress so that every one of my posts is Freshly Pressed. Even this piece of crap.
8. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick on an entire orchestra to get them to follow me around everywhere I go while playing the Imperial March. Everyone needs their own theme song.
9. I’d go to a baseball game and use the force to keep moving the ball around just to fuck with all the players.
10. I would Force leap from half-court and stick a monster dunk, shaming Michael Jordan’s paltry effort from the foul line.

    

    Oh, you can dunk from the foul-line, huh? That’s cute.

That’s all my Jedi fun for this episode! Tune in next time to see what other inane things my brain will concoct for me to do if I somehow acquire Jedi powers.

Query: What nefarious crimes would you commit if you had Jedi abilities, meatbag? Answer the master or I shall blast you where you sit!