Into the Rage

~ Twindaddy

Yesterday was fucking horrible. I spent most of the day fighting to maintain control of my sanity. Sitting out on the edge like that is extremely discomforting. Not knowing if or when you’ll snap. Not knowing what you’ll do if you lose control. Repeatedly being thwarted while trying to get back to my doctor has nearly pushed me over the edge.

At its most intense, I was able to get out of the office and walk away my…whatever the hell was wrong with me. Anxiety. Rage. Ability to maintain control. Probably all three. That helped a bit, but by the time I got home the well had filled again. I considered having just one drink, but dismissed it immediately. I’m not going there again. I considered taking one of my mom’s klanopin, but by the time C had been picked up and I had some time alone to drown myself in music I was feeling a bit more calm.

I’m tired of the smallest and silliest things pushing me towards the edge. I have been able to maintain my composure and not do anything I’ll regret, but it is a ferocious fucking struggle, one I’m tiring of quickly. I finally got a hold of my doctor’s office yesterday after two weeks of cancelled appointments (and attempts to find shrinks around here who operate out of normal business hours – they don’t exist), and I’m set up for 4PM Monday afternoon. If, however, something happens to this appointment I might seriously go postal.

Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. Even though I pretty much told you all to bugger off yesterday I still felt the love. You guys are fucking awesome.
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War sizzles ‘neath my skin
Rival forces trapped within
To battle!
Unsaddled!
A fight I’ll ne’er win

With darkness I routinely duel
Desperate to reject its rule
I beseech thee!
Exorcise me!
Purge me of this demon cruel!

Anger lurks in nooks and crannies
I succumb, but no one sees
I’m possessed!
No contest!
No defense from this disease

Soul has been completely plundered
Defensive shields torn asunder
Beast unleashed!
Manic feast!
The real me is six feet under

Venom spews from wicked tongue
Acerbic words cruelly flung
We’re through!
Fuck you!
Dagger thrust by evil sung

Innocent people to condemn
Hatred flows from baneful stem
Lead astray!
Run away!
Forced into the rage again

Published by Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

52 thoughts on “Into the Rage”

  4. Yo man sorry about the bad day. I hope you get out of your rut. There’s nothing like a good cup of coffee and listening to your favorite jams to relieve stress.

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  5. Hey TD…glad you feeling a bit better…yesterdays post seemed filled with too much rage, anxiety and hopelessness..this time too will pass…hang in der…and as someone said above…you rock..

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  6. Glad you’re doing a bit better — what is with the doctor’s appointments being cancelled? I am sure you let them know that you’re having serious issues and need to see your doc — or someone else ASAP. (Sorry, the mother in me had to say that. I am sure you did.)

    Walking always helps me as well. Especially when I’m angry. First it gives me time to vent and then things tend to be better. Sometimes talking about it just winds me up more. So does the sound of water. If there is some place by water where you can walk, that’ll help, too. It looks like it’ll be a nice weekend.

    I’m thinking of you, my friend and sending you good vibes.

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    1. Thanks, Elyse. The first appointment was cancelled because the doc decided he didn’t feel like working that day, I guess. The second one they bungled the scheduling and he wasn’t there (again) when I showed up. I tried to arrange something with another doc (or the nurse practitioner) but they were either booked or had openings I couldn’t make it to because of work.

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  7. I am gladder than glad you’re back for now, BTFFFL, and SO pleased you have an appointment booked. They better not cancel or you have my full permish to send several truckloads of molotov cocktails their way, stuffed inside a canful of whoop-ass!

    *hugs*

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  8. A bit modified…hope you don’t mind..

    War sizzles ‘neath my skin
    Rival forces trapped within
    To battle!
    Unsaddled!
    But still I’m going to win

    With darkness I routinely duel
    Desperate to reject its rule
    I beseech thee!
    Exorcise me!
    Make me see hope again!

    Anger lurks in nooks and crannies
    I succumb, but no one sees
    I’m possessed!
    No contest!
    Building my defense against this disease

    Soul has been completely plundered
    Defensive shields torn asunder
    Beast unleashed!
    Fighting against it!
    The real me preventing a blunder

    Venom spews from wicked tongue
    Acerbic words cruelly flung
    I’m through!
    Fuck you!
    Dagger thrust through this evil sung

    Innocent people to condemn
    Hatred flows from baneful stem
    Lead astray!
    Run away!
    But I’m coming back again

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        1. Hope is in short supply. At least, it was yesterday. I’ll get this under control again, as soon as I can get back to my doc and actually talk to him again.

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  11. I wish I had something clever or insightful to add to all of this, but in the end, all I can is echo what the others have said, sugar…hang in there. I think you have a lot of people, including me, sending love, light and positive energy your way. xo

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  12. It’s a good thing I read your post. I too, am dealing with some Rage issues. Not to the point of wanting to go postal nor punishing myself in anyway. It is just that it has been a while that I have felt real anger – slice-em-dice-em rage where I wan to lash out at a couple of people. How do you tell someone they fucked up in a nice way? I will be writing about it in my blog – and I commend you for keeping a “lid on it” … but breathing deeply, doing exercise … writing …. taking a shower or swimming … yoga … lots of stuff – and I have heard that for guys, if you have access to it – sex works wonders. Not so much for females, though, unless they are black widows.

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    1. Well, when I HAD regular access to sex, this was still an issue and, frankly, was a big reason why I no longer have regular access to sex. So, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to going back onto medication…and not being a dumbass and drinking at the same time.

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  13. Okay here is some totally stupid advice but if you happen into a Grocery store check out the tee isle…. if they have Chamomile give it a try,…. Otherwise music does calm the savage beast, as you have noticed.

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  14. Hang in there TD! You should be proud of the fact you haven’t gone off the deep end even though you are aware you need more help. I know it’s hard to get through, but rest when you can & be kind to yourself.

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  16. Wishing you peace and a speedy trip to Monday 4pm. I’m feeling somewhat more settled today, finally. The despair I felt Monday, it shook me to my core. I’m still very emotional when thinking about how I was behaving/reacting/overreacting to things. My goal for this weekend is to make amends. Even though I believe there was culpability on both sides, I know that I only have control over MY actions, and I know I’ll feel better to say I’m sorry, even if I don’t here that back.

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    1. See, that’s how I’ve been feeling for most of the last month. Hence why I’m so eager to get to my doc.

      I’m really glad you’re feeling better. Living on the edge like that is terrifying.

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  19. Well, this was yesterday and I’ve been out of commission so this is the first I’m seeing this. I’m sorry you’re going through it, hope it’s better today and fingers crossed the doctor doesn’t cancel on you again! Hang in there, friend.

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