We made it! Today is day 30 of both NaBloPoMo and my 30 Days & 30 Songs challenge. Phew! Cue Boys II Men singing End of the Road!
Our last challenge is a song that reminds you of yourself or a prompt from an earlier day you wanted to do but chose the other.
There aren’t many songs I listen to and think, “Man, that’s totally me,” but there are a couple. The one I nearly went with for this challenge was Strong Enough, by Apocalyptica. I felt Forever by Late Night Savior is more appropriate.
I’ve never had a very high opinion of myself. Even though I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, I remember telling my mom as a teen several times that everyone would be better off if I didn’t exist. I don’t know what made me think that or how awful that must have made her feel, but I said what I said and felt what I felt.
Since becoming a father, death has not been a desire of mine. No matter how much my life may or may not suck, I want to be here for my boys. I’ve not entertained a suicidal thought for more than 22 years, but that doesn’t mean the emotions and sickness behind such thoughts have moved on.
For most of my 20’s, I was raising 4 children. There just wasn’t time to dwell on my illness or dance with my demons. I had mouths to feed, diapers to change, and a shitty job to fund it all. But once my children grew older, once I was free of those chains, my demons swooped back in and ensured I’d forever have a battle of some sort.
Since then, I’ve been married and divorced again. I’ve had so many ups and downs that Disney will be naming an amusement park ride after me. Okay, not really, but the point remains: my life has been teetering on an emotional seesaw since I was 12 years old.
The lyrics of Forever perfectly express how I feel about myself, and how little worth I feel I have.
Tell me you’re angryForever – Late Night Savior
And falter your pride
Tell me I’m worthless
I’ll tell you you’re right
Show me you hate me
These words I keep
Locked up inside me
As I fall asleep, forever
If ever there was love inside your broken heart for meForever – Late Night Savior
Promise to forgive me as you lay me down so deep
Nevermore will you embrace my loving arms again
In heaven you will find me awake, forever