When Your Mouth Operates Autonomously

~ Twindaddy

You know how sometimes words come falling out of your mouth before your brain has a chance to evaluate them? Yeah, that sucks.

So, I went to the grocery store earlier because groceries don’t just show up at my doorstep. I mean, this 2014, right? Why the fuck isn’t that happening?

Anyhow, after I rounded up my groceries and paid for them, I was heading out to my car when I happened upon a person I knew. Happy coincidence, right?

That’s when my mouth betrayed me.

“Hey!” I greeted her enthusiastically.

“Hey,” she responded.

“What are you doing here?”

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Now, this is when I did a mental facepalm. It’s a fucking grocery store, moron, I chided myself. She’s getting groceries.

And, of course, she was taken aback by my stupid question and slowly replied, “Um, I’m shopping. Just like everyone else here.”

I just walked away before I made a bigger ass of myself. Well, that and I needed to get home before the game started.

Thank you, mouth, for making me look like a total moron. Asshole.

Published by Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

67 thoughts on “When Your Mouth Operates Autonomously”

  2. She could have been there to rob the safe, key someone’s car in the parking lot, sell Girl Scout cookies as a troop leader, you name it! You were simply being unassuming, yes, unassuming that was it.

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  3. Haha…I’m not laughing at you, I’m just laughing. We all get foot in mouth disease at some point. Groceries can show up on your front porch. It’s called Peapod.

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  4. Yeah…I went to the grocery store once. I walked in the door and coming out was one of my students. He said, “Whoa, Professor, you SHOP????” Then he followed me around during my entire shopping adventure asking questions like, “What do you eat? Sandwiches? I like sandwiches.” You’re OK.

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      1. I know! And AFTER that the student thought he and I had things in common and he hung out in my office a lot, though pretty much the only thing we shared was a fondness for sandwiches.

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      1. Teachers are not even fully human. They’re robotic entities who sit in offices in an inert state and just before class they are wound up and sent to the classroom.

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        1. Haha yeah. My mom used to throw them off when she brought us shopping. The thought that she could procreate offspring really boggled their minds…cuz robots don’t do that kind of thing.

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          1. My mom was often a substitute teacher at my school before she got a full time teaching gig the next county over. THAT was awkward… Especially when she subbed for one of my teachers and I had to call her by her proper name and not “mom.”

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  5. L.M.A.O 😀 – O! Not at you…. this sounds like …. the story of my life. Just you know I’m blond so instead of “mental face palm” I look all clueless and smile like an idiot.

    O! get this one. I see someone i know and instead of actually saying Hi, you know like an normal human being – I run back up the stairs in the opposite direction! Yea that happened to me once. Awkward!

    Or, I’m like “Hi, nice seeing you, um I have got to get going – bye” Without the person getting in one single word….

    Your grocery store encounter – um really not all that bad….

    Here’s one. Someone phones you on your cellphone while shopping and you answer like “hi, how did you know I was in Shop XYZ” And then all the other people in the store stare at you like you are really some dumb blond.

    Even this entire comment sounds like I lifted it from the script of “Clueless”.

    🙂

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  6. I am not sure that the question is necessarily dumb. She might not live nearby Or she might have moved to another taste/town/planet. She might work weekends. Or get her food out of her own garden.

    No, it was the follow up that was lame.

    Feel better?

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    1. Lol, no. It was still a dumb question. You go to the grocery store to get groceries. Especially this particular store which really IS nothing but a grocery store, and not a super store.

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          2. No doubt. I consider myself fairly intelligent, but my mother, father, and Revis are quite a bit more knowledgeable than me in most matters.

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  9. Ah that’s just a minor brain freeze – no harm done there. You’ll both survive that one.
    Ask me about the time I bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen in a almost a year. I notice that he looks great; fit, trim, and healthier that I had seen him in years. He had lost at least 35 or 40 pounds.
    Asshat here strolls up to him and says “Hey Ray you look great; lost a lot of weight! What happended, the wife leave you?”
    His response: “F*cking *sshole!” And thens he storms away.
    Oops, it turns out she had…
    Open mouth, insert BOTH feet… 😦

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  10. I love opportunities like the one you presented. It gives me a chance to sharpen my sarcasm. 😉 Don’t feel bad. She should feel stupid for not coming up with a better reply! LOL

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  11. That’s not too bad in the grand scheme of things… I’ve found myself having conversations like this (it’s like total autopilot):
    – Hey? How are you doing?
    – I’m great you?
    – Oh I’m great, you?
    – [blank stare]

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  12. Could have been worse. Example, “Hey, what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” or “Hey, you got fat.” or “Hey, I know I should know your name, but I totally forgot it.” So many worse faux pas you could have made. 🙂

    Just call me Little Miss Sunshine.

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  14. Ha! I remember at a funeral I was giving my sympathies to the son of the deceased and after he thanked me for coming I said, “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world”. Errr….I mean, of course I wanted to be here… FACE PALM!

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  17. I sometimes think I should just go around with my mouth taped shut.

    In the UK, most of the major supermarkets offer a delivery service. Some you order online and some you have to buy in store and then have delivered. But if Sainsbury’s, Tesco, Waitrose and ASDA can do it (and ASDA is part of Wal-Mart) then surely there must be companies in the USA which do? However there is usually a delivery fee.

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