I’m Not Ready to Make Nice

This morning while drinking my morning cup of coffee I was perusing my newsfeed on Facebook and came across this article about Natalie Maines‘ solo rock album, which was shared by a friend. Natalie Maines, for those of you who aren’t country fans, was the lead singer of the group The Dixie Chicks. That, however, is not what inspired me to write this post.

Thinking about Natalie and The Dixie Chicks made me think of a song of theirs that I hadn’t heard in a really long time that I remembered liking. Something about not being nice. So I Binged it (fuck Google – they’re omnipresent so I’m going all hipster on them and Binging everything). I came across the video for it and watched it. I listened to the lyrics and holy shit did they speak to me. The name of the song is Not Ready to Make Nice, and I’ll include the video at the end of the post.

Cover for Not Ready to Make Nice (photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now, this song was not written about a situation similar to mine. This song was written in response to the leviathan public backlash and being blackballed by country music for daring to share the opinion that the war in Iraq is unjust and that they were ashamed that George W. Bush was our president. However, there are certain lyrics in this song that, when applied to my life right now, fit so perfectly that I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for nearly 8 hours. No, that is not an exaggeration. I have literally been listening to this song on repeat for 8 hours. I listened to it while I was reading blogs earlier. I listened to it while I finished checking Facebook. I listened to it while I checked Twitter. I listened to it while I walked to the store and back. I listened to it while I walked a lap around the neighborhood. I’m listening to it as I write this post. I can’t stop listening to it. It is speaking to me and I’m trying to figure out what the hell it is saying. The emotion with which Maines sings this song has had me on the brink of tears a couple of times today. I know that’s ruining my bad ass trooper image, but I give no fucks at this point.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

This verse at the beginning of the song is what pulled me right in. As I’m being asked by my wife to become friends again these words slapped me right in the face and told me this is exactly how I feel about it. These were words that fell out of my mouth last night, actually. I have forgiven, but I cannot forget. That means I will not be repeating mistakes of the past. You have fooled me too many times. I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you either. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forget and perhaps that day we can start over, but today is not that day.

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

This verse also spoke to me. I have no doubt that the decisions I’ve made are the correct decisions and there really is nothing left for me to figure out. It’s over. Finished. Done. Complete. I’ve moved on and going back to that relationship, any aspect of it, would be immensely counterproductive right now and might undo all of the progress I’ve made since the end. I’ve turned that page and it’s not one I wish to revisit.

I have paid a price. Oh have I paid my price. Severe bouts of depression. Loss of appetite. Sleep deprivation. Loneliness. Medication. Therapy. Knowing that I’m a failure. Knowing that I’ve brought another child into this world who will grow up in a broken home. And I will keep paying. Every time he asks me for you I pay a price because you’re not here and never will be again. Every time he wakes up in the middle of the night I pay a price. When he’s old enough to know that it’s not normal for moms and dads to live separately I will pay a price. When he’s not here and I miss him terribly I pay and will continue to pay a price. Every first he has while he’s with you I will pay that price. I’ll keep paying. Oh, will I keep paying.

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

The chorus is where it’s at. I’m not ready to make nice. Nor am I ready to back down. When I think about how it all went down I do get mad as hell. I don’t have time to go round and round and I need to move on. I can’t keep revisiting my past. It’s definitely too late to make it right and with months of hindsight now I know that I wouldn’t if I could. There’s no sense in playing this game. We have a cordial relationship now. We talk about Baby C when we need to and both have his best interests at heart and that’s all we should be worried about where each other is concerned.

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it

It’s not something I think about at all anymore. At least, not until you come back and start knocking on the wall I’ve erected between us and asking me to let you back in. No, there are things I can’t get past. No, there are things I can’t get over. No, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think about you without thinking about those things. Those betrayals. Those lies. Those broken promises. These are things that are not easily forgotten nor should they be.

This song came to me today at just the right time. Just when I needed it. It validated how I felt and reassured me that my feelings are legit. It gave me words and emotions to help me focus. Hell, I’m still listening to that song. I need help…

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting