Twas the day before Christmas, and all through Mos Eisley
Copious creatures were stirring, very unwisely
The cantina was full, its patrons unaware,
That St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The aliens were drunk, all liquored and unstable,
And inebriated Jawas danced on a table.
A Bith fell to the floor, hit it with a slap,
He had just passed out for a long drunken nap.
Then out on the street there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my post to see what was the matter.
Away to the thoroughfare I flew like a flash,
Tore through the door and made a mad dash.
The twin suns on the breast of the barren Dune Sea
Illuminated the sand-covered skyline of the city.
When, what to my mask-covered eyes should I track,
But a bulging sleigh, and eight sweaty dewback.
With a leviathan driver, so pudgy and thick,
I thought for a moment it might be St. Nick.
More sluggish than womp rats his beasts they came,
He coughed, farted, and shouted, then called them by name!
“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of this hut! be careful don’t fall!
If you drop me again I will murder you all!”
Like granules of sand that during the windstorm fly,
They rose from the ground and ran towards the sky.
So up to the hut-top these beasts they flew,
With the sleigh full of contraband, and “St. Nicholas” too.
My eyes were squinting, but I saw on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
I ran toward the hut, and kicked down the door
Then down the chimney “St. Nicholas” came with C-4.
He was dressed in red velvet, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all sweat-soaked and covered with soot.
A bundle of explosives he had flung on his back,
He looked like a mad scientist, opening his pack.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his plumber’s crack, how scary!
His huge drooling mouth glistened and glowed,
And the beard on his chin was white, like it had just snowed.
A grungy old pipe he held tight by his cheek,
And circles under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in a week.
He had a hideous face and an elephantine belly,
That jiggled when he moved, like a sack full of jelly!
He was a horrid mess, and had rancid gas,
I laughed when I saw him, though he smelled like an ass!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon had me feeling an overbearing dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And lit all the explosives, then turned with a jerk.
And plunging a finger deep inside his nose,
He gave a nod, and up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, while I drew my blaster,
And away they all flew, but my aim was faster.
But I heard him exclaim, as he fell from the sky,
“We’re going down, we’re all gonna die!”
I decided to come out of hiding for two reasons. One, I really like this poem and this is the only day of the year it makes sense to post it. The second is to wish you all (for those who celebrate) a Merry Christmas. Even if you don’t celebrate, I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with family, memories, laughter, and love.
I’m not sure when I’ll return, so I’ll go ahead and wish you all a happy New Year while I’m at it. Thank you all for following and supporting me. You are all amazing (except for you – you know who you are). Love you all.