Over and Over

~ Twindaddy

I’m an addict. Of a sort.

I’m not addicted to substances, though. Well, that’s not true. I’m addicted to coffee, but that’s not what I’m getting at. I get addicted to people and feelings.

When my wife left me three years ago I become physically ill. Eating made me nauseous. For almost two months the only things that I could keep down were coffee and alcohol. I couldn’t sleep. I laid wide-eyed in bed at night with errant thoughts racing around my head like the Daytona 500. My doctor told me my symptoms were those of withdrawal. It seemed I was addicted to my wife and being denied her love was physically harming me.

Based on that information, it would appear that at one time I was addicted to my children, too, because the same thing happened to me when they were no longer a part of my everyday life.

Self discovery is a good, however sometimes weird, thing. For instance, I recently learned (though I should have realized it long, long ago) that I can become addicted to certain songs, which, I’m guessing, is because of the feels they evoke.

This song, for example…

This song brings me to the brink of tears almost every time I listen to it. A lump rises in the back of my throat. My mood turns dour. Colors begin to dull.

Despite evoking such misery inside I cannot stop playing it. I find myself hitting repeat on this song in the car to and from work. I can’t stop myself from doing it. I know this song drags me down into a desolate mental place yet I, almost reflexively, hit the repeat button once the song is over. Unconsciously, I sing along. The song ends and I hit the back button again. And again. I don’t even know why.

It occurred to me, days into this behavior, that this is quite disturbing. Why on Earth do I keep listening to this song? I mean, I know as I’m reaching for the button to play this song for the umpteenth time that I shouldn’t do it BUT I CAN’T STOP. Do I subconsciously enjoy feeling horribly morose? Am I a mental masochist? Am I addicted to heartache?

I don’t have the answers. Hell, I don’t even have a clue.

But I can’t help but wonder…

What the hell is wrong with me?

Published by Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

25 thoughts on “Over and Over”

  1. I think listening to songs that make us feel allows us to compartmentalize these feelings that we can’t get away from. So we feel them in the car (or wherever) and in other places we are able to function.

    You’re gonna feel them no matter what. Might as well do it on your own terms.

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      1. I mean deal with your shit when nobody else has to deal with it. People more often than not don’t know how to handle grief — especially in a man. You’re doing the world a favor…

        Oh, and stop beating yourself up. It doesn’t help.

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  2. I don’t know what’s ‘wrong’ with you as I’m no expert. But I find it interesting that one of your other posts that is related to this one is titled “I wish I could fix you”. I may be interested because I have been reading up on codependency and it struck me because that’s what codependent a think they’re trying to do- fix people and problems. I do wish you find your answers or at least some solace soon.

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    1. I wrote that post a long time ago. Since then I’ve actually been told be a therapist I was codependent and read a book about it. I’ve gotten a lot better with that in the last couple of years.

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  4. Sometimes it’s a part of our process. You’ll stop the mental timeloop when you’re emotionally ready. You may not even realize it when it happens. It’s likely to be subconcious.
    & I don’t think anything is wrong with you.

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  6. Nothing to add to what others have told you about what you are doing to yourself. I have an entire playlist that taps into my feelings, good and horrifying. I don’t share it, I play it. You are working through what you feel.

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  7. Pingback: Everything You Didn’t Want to Know About Me | Mental Defecation

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